Everybody Wants to Rule the World // Frostiron

Have You Ever Seen The Rain // Chapter 13

    Loki sat in the windowsill of his newly assigned room, staring down at the sidewalks below him. The people there were no more than pinpricks drowning in a sea of concrete. He wasn't sure if this made him feel more or less real. The god wasn't unfamiliar with being insignificant, he'd felt that his entire childhood, but there was a different sense of insignificance that he found now. No one but Tony and the S.H.I.E.L.D agents knew for sure that he was still alive. He sat with the weight of his failures. For once, the thought didn't make him want to puke.

    He got to his feet and paced around the new room. It was reminiscent of Loki's design preferences but it was cold and unlived in. There was no comfort here. Loki sat at the edge of his bed, resting his head in his hands. He knew he would never find a place to call home on Midgard but he also knew that Asgard wasn't an option anymore either. However, in the grand scheme of things, he didn't feel too lost. For once in his months on Earth, he felt a smidge of acceptance for, well, everything. All hope was not lost.

    There was a soft knock on the door.

    "Come in."

    Tony opened the door slowly. "Do you like your room?"

    "Hello, Anthony," Loki said thoughtfully. "It's alright."

    "Everything alright?"

    Loki nodded, but his mind was elsewhere. "Mhm."

    "Are you sure?" 

    "I think I am," Loki said somewhat unsurely. "Do you know hen Thor will be on Midgard next?"

    "No. Why?"

    Loki held himself awkwardly and tapped his fingers nervously against his leg. "I think I need to reconcile with my brother."

    "And you used to be so insistent that he wasn't your real brother."

    The god chuckled dryly. "I know. It's strange, really. I don't know if I'm becoming myself or if I don't know who I am anymore. It's an identity crisis either way. I just have to accept it. I will become who I will become, for better or worse. Part of that has to be talking to Thor."

    "That's good. Really good. He'll be glad you feel that way," Tony remarked.

    "I hope so."

    Loki looked up at the man adjacent to him. Toy Stark looked at him with real concern and compassion. Out of everything Loki had experienced this was the strangest of them all. "Stark? Are you alright? Have you got a screw loose?"

    "What?"

    "You're looking at me weirdly. Stop."

    Tony nearly flushed. "Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. Anyway, what about Odin?"

    "Odin," Loki sighed, his face turning more grim. "I'm never going back to Asgard. I know that. I can't. I can't face him again. He'd kill me."

    Tony just nodded in acknowledgment. The god sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his temples. "Would you mind giving me a moment?" he asked.

     "No problem," Tony said and excused himself.

    Regardless of the horrible memories of his childhood, a wave of nostalgia washed over the god. He was back on Asgard as a child, bathed in warm sunlight. The palace shimmered a beautiful gold in front of him. He could hear Thor and his friends running around and playing nearby. Meanwhile, the young trickster god matched his mother's strides as she talked about magic. Once they found an empty area, Frigga smirked down at her frost giant son. She had told him about her days as a kid- how she'd wreak havoc at the market doing her own pranks and how she knew Loki could be even better. At that moment, Odin had passed by and flashed Loki a genuine smile. In those days, Loki couldn't have been happier to be Odin's son. 

    As the memory concluded, Loki was back in Stark Tower. Crying. He realized that tears fell silently down his cheeks and his jawline and he didn't care. He would never be home again. He would never laugh with his mother again. Frigga would never teach him more magic. Odin would never smile at him again. Thor would never be the carefree kid he was. Loki would never be innocent again. No matter what he did it wouldn't erase his past. No, nothing could erase that. Yet, he could still rewrite his future. He knew this and the realization was bittersweet.

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    Tony sat in his own room, a glass of whiskey in his hand (no ice) even though it was eleven AM. He wasn't going to get drunk, it wasn't his style, just buzzed. The realization of his attraction had been hitting him more substantially by the second, added with the weight of public speaking, press conferences, and Nick Fury - he needed the edge taken off. 

    He got to his feet and walked to the restroom, looking himself dead in the eye in the mirror. He stared back at himself. "I am attracted to men," he told himself matter-of-factly. "And that is okay."

    He splashed cold water on his face. Against the marble countertop his hands shook uncontrollably. "I am queer," he repeated, willing himself to stay composed. "And I can accept that."

    He took a deep breath. "I am attracted to Loki Laufeyson, god of mischief, former Prince of Asgard, and public enemy #1," he said. "And that is not okay."