"Cas, I'm going out. I'll be back soon." Josh's voice called out across the room as the creaking of the apartment door opened and a loud slam rang through the apartment. The sound penetrated through the walls into her "office". The room was small, but it was Cassie's safe place. The room was dimly lit, candles littered the room, the small ledge near the window cushioned with pillows and blankets. The room was originally a large closet with a well built shelf close to the window. The ledge was large enough to lay on so when Cassie and Josh first moved in Cassie instantly fell in love with the room. Her little cave. Her little hideaway.
'He's been going out a lot, hasn't he?' The thought swirled in Cassie's head.
"Cassie, it's fine. You're just being paranoid. Don't be such a party pooper and let your boyfriend have some fun." The words exiting her mouth for reassurance.
She's been so focused on her book that maybe Josh was drifting away. The feeling of dread and abandonment brushing over her. Maybe she was overthinking? Maybe she was just overreacting? She had a right to feel the way she felt, though. Josh has been getting close to one "friend" of his. Her name was Hannah. Sure they have had a lot of history together, more than Cassie and Josh even. But Josh always said "Oh she's just a friend." or "I would never do anything like that with Hannah, she's like a sister to me." She's always made Cassie insecure. She's expressed this to Josh countless times only to be "reassured" with an "I love you." No feelings attached.
The disgusting feeling of jealousy enclosed upon Cassie, her eyes starting to fill with tears. Gasping for air as the overwhelming feeling took over her. This specific feeling took her back to when she was a teenager in highschool. Heartbreak. Finding out her first love cheated on her. The forgiveness she gave him. Being manipulated for so long that it felt normal. The constant fighting, the constant arguing while she was in that relationship. His hands always on her, trying to get something out of her. That night where he went TOO far. The bleeding, the crying, the disgust she felt after that night. The constant nights she cried herself to sleep. 'Why didn't he stop.' on replay in her head. She told herself not to get close to anyone anymore. She became isolated, protecting herself at all costs; but then Josh came around, temporarily fixing it. Josh was all she had, she couldn't lose him. And now here she is, still suffering from something she couldn't erase from her memory no matter how hard she tried. She held her breath, reminding herself to breathe. Reminding herself everything is okay. 'You're fine. He loves you, Cassie. You're okay.' She came back to the present, but the thought of Josh cheating still lingered. She pulled the thought out of her head, brushing the feeling off as some type of overthinking. Something she was prone to going to when one thing felt off or a minor inconvenience occurred in her life.
That night he came back. Cassie still huddled up in her little workspace, nothing had been accomplished. She just ended up reading books and listening to music. His loud voice rang through the walls. Something was off. Cassie could sense it throughout her whole body. He opened the door, coming into her little safe place, his demeanor not helping the unease Cassie was feeling. He stood there, a drunken haze plastered all over his face.
"Josh..?" Cassie's shaky voice called out from the ledge. His lips turned into a gross smirk.
"Heeeyy babe.. What're you doing up there? Come down here and give me a smooch." His voice raspy and his words slurring. Cassie felt uncomfortable but she did what she was told. She just needed him near her, even if he was drunk. She needed his validation.
He tapped on his lips, signaling to Cassie what he wanted. Cassie pecked his lips softly, trying her best to not breathe in the strong scent of alcohol on him. He then grabbed her face, smashing his lips onto hers holding her there. She began to panic as she couldn't wiggle out of his grip. When she finally managed to pull away she was shaken. Her heart raced and her eyes filled with tears. 'Why? Why would he do that?' the thought pulsed in her head as those tears started to roll down her face.
"JOSH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. YOU OBVIOUSLY KNEW I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU." her voice rang as his smirk turned into a disgusting snare.
"Lower your voice, Cassie." his tone now menacing and dominant.
"NO. YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING IN OUR ROOM TONIGHT. GET AWAY FROM ME." her voice shaky and the tears flow down like a waterfall from her eyes. Even if Josh was drunk he still could move fast, in a millisecond Cassie was pinned to the floor. Josh's grip around her hands tightened as he unzipped his pants. Cassie started to panic even more. The word "stop" became the only word in her vocabulary as Josh ripped her clothing off. The pleading and screaming slowly dwindled as Cassie started giving up. She started to dissociate from the whole situation. The grunts and groans that Josh was letting out as she felt him start to move. Her brain not knowing what else to do but think of something. Anything else to stop her from thinking about what was going on. The minutes passed, the time meshing together. Her brain was not comprehending how much time had passed as he got up, zipped up his pants and fell asleep on the couch. Her body feeling disgusting. A feeling she was familiar with, the hate she felt, marinated onto her. Her body was shaking, the tears couldn't stop flowing. 'Why? Why him? I thought he was different. I thought I could trust him.' the thought circled around her brain endlessly. She sat there on her bed, the tears flowing like an endless stream, the thoughts in her head all mushed together. Numb. All she felt was numb.
The night turned to day, Cassie not getting one bit of sleep that night. When Josh tried to talk to her about the night before she didn't dare to look at him. She tuned him out. Nothing he could say or do can help change her mind. Change how she felt about him now. After he half-heartedly apologized before leaving she got up. She emptied his side of the closet and threw all his things into a box, tapping it up as she tossed it out into the hallway. She cried, she drank, she smoked. Something to at least make her feel real once again. But no, nothing could help. The feel of betrayal, the utter pain of being backstabbed. She didn't attend class that day. All she did was drink. All she did was smoke. Her body only consumed wine and weed. She was gone. She let herself go.
