"Time really does change your perspective, huh?"

It's only fair that I return the favor

The night air whisked away the few untamed strands of my hair with it and my hand, by instinct, went up to push it behind my ear. Abandoned flower petals danced in the night air, unaware that they will rot by the time morning comes. There was a slight chirp of a cricket nearby, quiet enough to not be a disturbance but loud enough to be a target.

I wonder sometimes, what is it like to truly be a victim? The things I do, and the things I have previously done, make little to no difference to the world around me and yet, a single gaze in the wrong direction pains me to no extent.

I may not be the most pleasant man, but I certainly am not the worst. I have never stopped to help a stray kitten out, but never have I ever kicked one for pleasure. I would never even think of hurting a child and yet, the thought of approaching one to help 'em out seems foreign to me.

My mind wanders, far away to the lands I've explored far too many times. 

What have I ever done to deserve this? A life which I live in fear; guard up even when I'm bathing. I suppose I could have made better choices, but would that have made me into a better man?

I wonder what I would have turned out to be, if I had met people like Noe earlier in life. I wonder if I would have smiled freely as if no one's counting; if I would have shared a laugh with strangers passing by, just because I feel like. I wonder If I would have embraced the ones I care for without a snake-like doubt crawling in my gut, sinking it's fangs into my soul, tangling it's tail around my intestines.

As my mind wandered, an image took form inside my head. A cheerful Noe running towards me, all smiles and glittering eyes; arms open wider than the doors of heaven. And there was I, equally- if not more -joyful, my sapphire eyes shinning, my cheek muscles begging for a break. My scrawny arms opening up and wrapping around his neck, shrieks and laughter being hollered into his ears as he spun me around in his arms.

His arms tightning around my back, face inched up to gaze into my eyes. His violet eyes, they never hide anything. His pain, suffering, sorrow, anger, joy, excitement; it was all there, right before my eyes. But that wasn't the best part. A flower blossoming or a fire igniting isn't as wonderful an experience as a two ringed rainbow; it isn't as magical and heartstopping as the blue moon that winked down at the world right now.

His love and joy for me wasn't as maginificent to imagine as the sense of safety and acceptance in my eyes.

A low chuckle left my lips, breaking the night's eerie yet conforting silence. The crown's leaves latched onto my hair strands, starting to form an itch on the back of my left ear. My fingers felt numb from the lose grip I had on the balcony railing. The curtain behind me fluttering around in the wind like a mermaid in water. My ankles begged for a rest, the soles of my feet overheating from standing this way for so long.

Even after all these years, it's astounding how much my human heart could hope. My soul's claws latching onto the thin threads of that hope; the hope that is his smile in the mornings, the hope that is his strong arms around me in a battle, the hope that is his warmth on my back on a tiring day. My insides coiled at the thought and yet my heart, my heart stayed lit into a conforting flame. 

Out of all the battles we have fought together, I cherish the hard ones. The ones where we barely make it out alive, body too tired to be making witty remarks, mind too fogged up from Adreneline to care.

I long for the battles where we shout for each other, a desperate cry for an assurance. An assurance that none of us would be leaving the battle alone.

I waited a few seconds out under the night sky, taking in the sudden silence of the wind and the seemingly peacefull time.

The crickets have stopped chirping now, the wind has stopped howling. Perhaps I should stop too. Just like that. No warning, no care.

Sometimes, I wish I could do the things I promise myself but not today. A flower petal from the crown broke off and landed in front of me, a soft touch on my knuckle.Perhaps, that's the reason. I suppose I want to be here for when all the flower petals fall off, one by one. I want to be here for when the wind rustles again and the crickets chirps.

I want to be here for when I wake up and see a bundle of blankets on the ground, dark skin glistening under the sunlight, drool covering the ends of his pillow. I want to be there for when his mouth waters at the sight of tarte tatin, for when he gives me his starry eyes, begging me for a short break at the bakery.

I want to be there for when he smiles, for when he cries, when he whines, and for when he laughs. I want to be there for all of it, for all of him; for he has been there for me when I had cried, when I had laughed mockingly, when I had screamed and fought.

It's only fair I return the favour.