I spoke to my sister last night and I think I met a wrong God.
I don't know, but everything I make mistakes, or don't do what I am supposed to do I've never thought of returning back to God. I want to run, I need to run.
I think He won't forgive me, I think He's still angry at me, I think He wants to show me who's Boss, I think He's warden and I'm the prisoner, I don't think I met the right kind of God.
I always think of this great presence or being who just looks at me with such disappointment, anger, shame, and regret. But when speaking with my sister she says she doesn't know that kind of God.
Is He a disciplinarian, does He value obedience more than sacrifice, yes, but He's not a judge sitting with a gavel ready to hand down judgements unto death.
I don't know where or with what to start now. I don't know if I seek Him, if I sit at His feet, I don't even know what that means.
I am so caged in, I don't even know what to say at prayer. I said the Our Father Prayer last night and even that felt so foreign. But I can't give up anymore, I don't think I'm capable of holding myself to this, but I will keep on writing out, maybe God can read my words, because I am incapable of speaking.
I added a song up above, I listen to it while writing. And for years I've found myself asking for mercy, wondering if there's any left for me, have I overdone it, has grace run out for me, I mean I don't have a relationship with God anymore.
Everyone around me says He seeks you out till death, that's a major commitment. I don't want to stay here, where I am at, I can't, it's debilitating and nothing feels like it's working.
I'm weighed down by heavy regret, disappointment and shame and am still unable to forgive myself.
I need help, medical help yes but I think more so from God. But I don't want a transaction, I want a relationship. These sentiments sometimes change. Remember I'd said earlier I battle with consistency but I need to make a committee and be true to it.
I need help Abba.
If God says He's the Shepherd and His sheep know His voice, and yet I am sure I'm in a place of silence having heard nothing for so long, does it mean I'm not counted amongst His sheep anymore?
Maybe, but the relationships that some I have seen and heard from have, praise and worshipers, some testimonies I've heard, I must be a far way from home, because God's moving in their loves.
I just, maybe try to hold onto the thought that time isn't over for me to return and have a relationship with God. I don't have the strength to.
I need help Abba, though my heart isn't positioned for you, or I can't pray and praise and worship and fast and mediate, I need something, anything but to remain here where I am.
I need to hear from you, experience you, I need to have a relationship with You. I need to surrender to You. I need You. I need You. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU.
