Growing up McGarrett

Anger & Hurt

Danny's phone cuts through my miserable thoughts. It's Chin.
Chin - "You find her?"
Danny - "Yeah she's here beside me. How's our boy?"
Chin - "They've taken him into surgery, internal bleeding, not life threatening. He'll be a while. You on the way?"
Danny - "Yeah, just gonna do a pit stop at Steve's."
Me - "Danny I need to go to see him, now!"
Danny gives me another withering look - "You really want your father waking up to see and smell you like that?!"
I look down at my vomit stained outfit, the sight of which would give him a heart attack on a good day, and realise how ridiculous my demand was. As angry as he was at what I had done, Danny was still looking out for me.
Me sheepishly - "Um, no I guess not."
Chin - "Everything ok?"
Danny - "Nothing to worry about, we'll be there before he's out of surgery."

He hung up, gave me another look that sent a wave of shame through me, and drove the rest of the way in silence. Silence from Danny was so strange and unusual. Even when he was mad he couldn't help the verbal diarrhoea! I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I wanted to say something but didn't know what. He didn't want to hear my apologies, I'd already done the waterworks and he was still clearly furious. Good Sam turned up, smug in her righteousness, He's only your uncle, imagine your dad's reaction. Oh shit, shit, shit! What am I going to do? I'm so thankful he's alive but I'm sick that I'm going to be in so much trouble with him. What a welcome back!

Back at the house I manage to get myself out of the car and inside. Danny tells me to shower and change but make it quick. He has to steady me a couple of times on the stairs but says nothing. He goes to my dad's room and slams the door behind him. Guilt & shame wash over me again. I go to my bathroom and peel off my disgusting clothes. I throw them all in the trash. I never want to see that outfit again. Suddenly my mind snaps back to that room, the couch, the smell, Mark's hands on me. I feel revolted at myself. I turn the water up as hot as possible and scrub myself raw. I want to scrub off every trace of him. I want the pain, I tell myself I deserve it. I still can't remember everything that happened but I tell myself whatever did, I deserved it all. You asked for it Sam, you looked for it! I curl up under the water until it runs cold. It makes me feel numb again. Then I remember Dad and I need to go to him. I get out and dry myself.  I'm in some weird autopilot. I see there is blood on the towel, and look down to realise, I'd scrubbed my inner thighs so much that they had started to bleed. Dispassionately I find some cream and rub it on. It stings but I don't care.

I find my biggest comfiest sweatpants to wear. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and see how crap I look. My face and arms are bright red from the burning hot water. Danny has gone downstairs so I go into my dad's room and get one of his sweatshirts. It's huge on me and I feel like I can disappear into it. Danny is waiting when I get downstairs. He's showered and changed into fresh, non vomit, clothes. A look of concern flashes briefly on his face but it returns to anger. He holds out his hand to me and just says phone!
Me - "What?"
Danny - "Hand over your phone."
Me - "Why?!"
Danny scoffs and impatiently says - "Are you kidding me right now?! Do you NEED me to give you a LIST?!" "Hand me your phone, NOW!"
I have never, ever, seen him this angry. Of course it was stupid of me to question him. Of course, I'm losing my phone. Seriously Sam, what planet are you on? I hand it over immediately and tell him again that I'm sorry. But I've obviously opened a gate inside him somewhere and he can't hold the silence anymore.
Danny - "WHAT are you sorry for Samantha? Huh?! The lying? The sneaking out? The party? The drinking? The drugs? The boys? OR THE NEARLY KILLING YOURSELF UNDER MY WATCH?!" "You're sorry! You're SORRY?! I don't think you have the slightest idea what you're sorry for!" "You say I'm sorry Danno and turn on the tears and in the next breath you ask me to lie to your father! Then you have the AUDACITY to ask why I'm taking your phone?!" "Get out into that car, I don't want to hear another word! I'll take you to the hospital and then you are your father's problem!"
I stand looking at him in shock. Danny has never shouted at me like that. I know I've gone too far and I don't know how to get back.

Danny - "GET IN THE CAR, NOW!"
I burst into tears and run to the car. Danny slams and locks the door and then starts pacing, talking to himself. He hates me. He just wants to be rid of me now. And who could blame him? I think back to the last while and everything he has done for me. He dropped everything to look after me when Dad left. He put up with my moods, my emotions, my behaviour and hardly ever even gave out to me. He drove me everywhere, cooked for me, did my laundry, helped with my homework. The list went on. And this was how I repaid all that. I had damaged our relationship. I was getting really good at doing that. Would he ever forgive me? What he said showed how much I had hurt him. I now realise words can have a harder impact than the hardest spanking.
He gets into the car, ignoring my upset he tells me to put on my belt and then takes off for the hospital. This is a completely unknown Danny to me. All softness is gone. I've broken him.