uncrossed (alver x og cale)

Part 2

It wasn't that he still wanted to die.

It was just that sometimes he'd rather die than actually deal with his problems and the uncomfortable situations that prevailed upon his day to day existence.

Death seemed a whole lot less complicated and painful. He wouldn't have to face up to feelings of guilt or inadequacy because he'd just be dead.

Of course that was the coward's way out and there was still a small remnant of pride inside of him that reviled at the thought of being so cowardly. He'd endure the pain and take the consequences of his actions.

No matter how much he'd rather die.

That was the promise he'd made to himself. It was about the only reason that he didn't surrender to the despair that threatened his overall sense of being and desire to continue existing.

It was easier when he thought of it like a punishment.

He'd chosen to improve his life and so, he had to pay for all the people he'd hurt in his nearly two decade long charade in a misguided attempt to help.

It wasn't that he regretted it. It wasn't even that he'd do it the same if he had a second chance. It was merely that he had the opportunity to see the flaws in his logic and witness just how much his attempts to protect those he cared about had actually hurt them.

How ultimately this masochistic game of pretend wouldn't do anything good anymore, even if he'd managed to do some good in all of the chaos there was no good left in it.

There was no reason or way to protect Basen, Violan, or Lily by being a 'lout' anymore.

The trouble was that he didn't really know who he was anymore without the disguise. It was a problem that he already felt looming over him during his misadventures in another world. A problem that he hadn't actually found an adequate solution for despite all the troubles he'd endured along the way and all the time he had to think about it.

He was loath to use his other self as a model. Whatever he was, he wanted to become his own person. Besides that, if he started trying to pretend to be that bastard wasn't he just pretending some more?

It was all about finding who he actually was and what he actually wanted.

Right at this moment he didn't want to be seated at family breakfast.

It was bitter. After the taste of a warm and welcoming family that had awaited his other self to return to the family who still viewed him with caution and fear. Who considered him to be a beloved son and brother and not the menace that his family knew him as.

It was painful but this was his karma for everything he'd done. If he ever wanted them to view him as a person worthy of their affections, he would have to endure this pain and show them he'd changed.

He just didn't know what to change into.

Cale awkwardly rejected another glass of wine even though a drink sounded indeal in his current circumstances. He craved the fuzzy numbness that came with enough alcohol and that feeling in the back of his heart of all his fucks just fading away into the distance.

He saw the way his father gaped at him but he tried not to pay any special attention to it.

It wasn't that alcohol was the source of his woes. He wasn't even sure if he actually planned to stop drinking. But it was the quickest way to establish to his family that he was trying to be different.

"Cale, are you sure you're alright?" His father asked for the third time and Cale hated how he noticed Basen's eyes shaking nervously, as though far more scared of whatever was wrong with Cale now than he'd ever been of Cale's fits. Lily had a frown on her lips as she looked him up and down. Violan was as composed as a countess ought to be but even she showed signs of feeling perturbed.