Winter Illusions

Chapter 2 (Nova)

TW: Abusive boyfriend and some language

I can hear Mara running down the hallway, her footsteps gradually fading away as she gets further away. 

I love her so so much but sometimes she pisses me off with her snarky little attitude, but it is what makes her after all. She is just always so close minded and I wish she would open up and see that what happened to me is not the usual thing that happens. Well, I can understand why. My past boyfriend wasn't exactly the best. In fact, he was horrible. I can still remember what it feels like to be manipulated and put down, making you feel like you are not good enough. And even though the physical bruises have gone, the impact he left on me has still not left. The way that no matter what you never feel good enough. I try to block the memories out as much as I can but he always finds a way back, like even though I broke up with him he's still here with me, haunting me. Josh. That was his name. A name of a person who has left a permanent mark.

I wish I would've fought back more, been stronger. But I couldn't. It was like someone was holding me back and stopping from realising how much he was hurting me, manipulating me into thinking he loved me for what he was doing. That it was good for me and I needed it. I have just as many scars on the inside as I do on the outside. I still haven't fully recovered even though it has been months. I still get nightmares about the times he would get angry and start shouting at me and blaming me for things I never did, manipulating me into feeling like everything was my fault. That I was the problem. He would always apologise after doing anything wrong, buying me gifts and being so affectionate and considerate, saying that it was my fault but he shouldn't have gone that far. It made me forgive him over and over again when I shouldn't have. He was there for me when no one else was at one point before our relationship went down hill, I felt like I owed him something. I am so glad I escaped though, I don't know how much longer I would have lasted. I was at such a low point when Mara helped me get out, she could see I was worse than ever. She knew I struggled a bit with Josh but thought it was just a few simple fights, I always hid it from her and I never wanted her to see what was truly going on. Mara is the reason I got out of the relationship, out of the ever continuing abusive loop I was stuck in. I am forever grateful to her for that, however it means she saw it all and was impacted by it too. After all all she has ever known is an abusive person in relationships, first with mum and then with me. 

I hate that she had to experience that at such a young age, she didn't deserve it. I just wish it didn't completely taint her view of love, she should still realise there are better people out there, that she will find someone who will take care of her properly and someone who deserves her, I will make sure of that. I wish I wasn't the reason she thought that way.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, releasing all of the pain and frustration that has built up while thinking about Josh. 

Re-opening them, I see Mara's backpack next to me on the bed and pick it up placing it on my lap. I open up the zipper and start unpacking some of her things. The first thing I come across is the book I got her as one of her Christmas gifts and smile. I'm glad I can give her that, books are one of the few things she loves in life. I do in fact notice that she is struggling, although she tries to hide it it slips out every now and again. I just don't know what to do, she doesn't want to talk to me and she is at boarding school most of the time. I'm just glad she at least has Cleo who I know she is very close with. It is also winter which is the time of the year when she thrives the most. Mara is one of those people who does best and is happiest during winter, the cold making her seem more awake and lively, snow and Christmas being two of her favourite things. I wish I could help but just don't know how. 

I begin to pull other things out of her backpack, like another book and a Christmas decoration she brought with her, when my eye catches on the essay I often saw her working on one the break. It was titled 'Love.' 

"This will be interesting," I mumble, intrigued. 

I will be reading this, because it will finally show me her true perspective. I personally think she doesn't want to tell me what she really thinks because she thinks I am scared for her, despite what I tell her. I guess this will let me find out, I don't want to have completely destroyed her perspective of romance.

Love.

Now, when you ask most girls my age what they think of love, they will tell you that it is a fairytale that has a lovely happy ending and they hope to fall in love someday, or that they already are. I completely disagree with the quote, "All you need is love."  This quote came up when I was researching this topic, and I think it is meaningless. You need many other things other than love, and often love can cause you to break, to become heartbroken. Love is a pointless feeling that makes one feel confused and can cause you to be misled. This so called 'best feeling ever', while it might be for some time most of the time it ends badly. Did you know that 50% of marriages fail, ending in divorce? That means there is only a 50/50 chance of finding a forever partner. And in relationships, 75% of men and 68% of women admit to cheating at some point. What is the point of getting in a relationship if they will cheat on you or you will break up? All those years of being with someone gone down the drain while you could have been doing other things. And from my personal experience, many relationships are abusive and manipulative, ending in one person getting severely hurt or even both. Further research shows that 60% of people stay in toxic relationships, finding almost a sense of security in them. All of these points have so far showed that love is pointless and will end in one person hurting or both, and that most likely nothing good will come of falling in love with another person. These are just a few reasons of why I find love to be completely pointless and a dead end in life...

I put the essay down on the bed, unmoving, shocked. I didn't know she truly felt this way, I have completely destroyed her perspective of love oh my goodness. Mara, an 18 year old girl, should not be thinking like this. Nobody should. Love is unexpected and incredible, it is an amazing feeling. This is a very large problem. Mara should not be thinking like this, I need to do something to help. 

"It's all my fault..." I whisper as a tear rolls down my cheek. 

I quickly wipe it away, I try to never cry anymore, and never let Mara see me crying. Well, I won't cry, I'll just fix it. Yes that's what I'll do, I am going to change her perspective and save her like she saved me. 

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I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and to anyone reading this who has gone through similar experiences to Nova I hope you are doing alright you are amazing, beautiful and strong keep going we are all here for you. Love you all see you in the next chapter xx

Word Count: 3031

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