Second Thoughts

My thoughts - Chapter 1

I saw the view of Paris as I was on the Eiffel Tower, the nightview of the state was so gorgeous. I love it here, coming here just to clear your mind off of things is like free therapy. I had just relapsed again after a 20 days streak, there's too much going on in life.

Like firstly, family problems, that shit can lowkey hurt you so much mentally that you don't know it. It can affect how you behave or act around people. I'm not proud of myself, knowing that everytime it happens I always resort to self-harm. I can't ever deal with this any longer, it's such a pain in the ass when this has been happening young. All I wish I could do is running away right now but I can't. Why? I'm a 16 year-old but people say that I'm too young to feel all these sorts of thing, nobody understands me at all. They say that I'm just in a phase or that it is just all my imagination and there's no such thing as mental health.

But to me, that's all bullshit. Every single second that passes, I feel like my mental health just drains out of me slowly and life isn't it anymore. What is there to live on especially when your own family doesn't want you or they're always arguing so loud in your house. Even at times, there's abuse and just family members throwing stuff at eachother out of frustration. Nobody here loves or care for eachother at this point. It's just so.. pointless.

Nothing here is ever meaningful, since young atleast. Even my growth to a teenager has been so harsh and pain lately, I can't take it any longer. I found out the dark side of this world before I even turned 10 and ever since then, everything I've been through is hell. I can't complain though because there is others that goes through more worse than mine and that hurts because I always feel so invalid whenever I tell anyone how I feel or just opening up in general.

I can't trust anyone no more so I keep everything to myself. Everyone will just betray you in the end and use it against you so what's the point? Especially when they point out the scars all over your body and the fresh ones too that's still bleeding out of your skin. It hurts even more to know that there's probably to 0 who cares about you and your health both mentally and physically. Is it just something wrong with me? Am I the reason why people leave me? Probably, 100% for sure. I'm certain.

My parents keep on comparing me to everyone about how I can't be as smart as them or be a better child who has achievements in life unlike me. To them, I'm a failure in life and don't think I can ever succeed. Their expectations for me is sky-high and I know I cannot achieve it. It's beyond my reach. Oh, how I wish I could just be better to them or to atleast have their support for my dream which is to be a writer in the future.

All I wish in this world is for someone to love me, be there for me and care for how I feel. Is that too hard to ask? For friends, that isn't any better. I remember the time I almost tried to attempt suicide on May 6 but I had second thoughts about it. I'm not afraid to die but whether if I survived the attempt. That'll be embarrassing so I resorted to overdosing and starvation, atleast I can die slowly. Back to the topic of friends, I would say that I'm a loner myself. I barely have any friends. Only one or two, I think? But they have other friends or people to focus on and I'm just someone to them. Except for one, I think.

I can't help but always overthink even the smallest thing. I want to have a different mindset which I've pushed myself to think differently but it never ever worked out. I have major overthinking issues and especially jealousy issues. I keep thinking about how replacable I can be, and how bad of a person I can be. Or about how nobody really wants me and I'm not good enough. I can never be like those pretty girls or those with a good personality whereas they attract everyone around them. I envy them so so much. I want a life just like theirs.

Sometimes I wonder, what am I doing wrong in life for me to fall into the deepest of holes there is in life? Should I just end it all right now? I don't and never has seen a point at all to stay and live in this world a second longer. I can't. All these thoughts and everything is chewing me up inside. All the images I can see whenever I have the chance to attempt suicide. All the blood and gore that passes by my mind whenever I'm on a high-ground or many pills are laying on the table or counter. The afterlife. Everything.