Sanctuary Reviews

She Sings at Dawn by MusicalKehleigh

She Sings at Dawn

By MusicalKehleigh

I love the environmental descriptions you use to open your chapters and set the scene:

Floral scents envelop me as I wait in the Forbidden Garden. It's a semi-circular space in front of the sprawling tan-stoned palace, named because bushes and crepe myrtles obscure the entrance. Vibrant flowers sprout on green stems, waving over benches that line the cleared granite patio I stand on. There's so much creativity here and I love the way you experiment with your words, especially your use of personification. It's always exciting to see the way an author experiences the world whether it be through a character, the world they build, or their descriptions. Your descriptions continue to impress when they provide subtle details like what your characters look like for example. "Seconds of silence pass and irritation grows on my brother's angular face. He and I always looked more alike, taking on the same wide forehead, thin cheeks, and pointed jaw of our mother." I like that the details you give about your characters have much to do with their personalities. "Clemaina always had a fuller heart-shaped face. Perhaps that's why she's so loopy for her fiance'." Your descriptions were my favorite part of this story. I thought that they were clever, vivid, and creative.

I also really like how you show your world versus telling your reader about it, particularly through the way the characters react to Ayla. Take this scene for example:

"Sorry about that, your highness."

"No worries!"

He moves on, trying to keep his purchases from falling over.

I glance down at my attire. Though not in a dress, the shiny, cinnamon-brown fabric of my blouse screams my status.

I thought this was a great way to give exposition on your character without being too "on the nose" and I thought that it was a great way to show how the culture and people view the princess: there's still a disconnect from the aristocracy and the common folk, but the common folk are kind to the princess and generally regard the royals in good taste.

There were some necessary parts of your storytelling that I found lacking, however. You have the skills necessary to communicate the "Reporter's Questions" to your reader (who, what, when why, where, how?) but this information is lacking in places–especially in the beginning–and leaves the reader in the dark about a few important details. Where is this kingdom? What does Aylo want? Who is going to get in the way of her attaining her goal, and how? What thematic principle drives her? What theme ties the story together? I did not have clear answers to these questions, and restraining this much exposition hinders your story rather than raises the intrigue. The reader should be able to answer these questions after the first chapter, particularly questions concerning conflict and the antagonizing force. However, I do like that the reader knows that Ayla's mother was murdered, but not how or why. I think that this kind of mystery does drive the story forward and keeps the reader engaged.

I really liked the world-building of this story, the characters, and their relationships with one another. The dialogue was fun to read and I enjoyed the banter between Sigvard and the princess the most. Your world has a deep history to it and so does the royal family. I can see your readers enjoying learning more about these characters and the world they live in as they go along (I thought the archive chapter was great and would love to see more work like this). Thank you for sharing your story with me.

See you, space cowboy