Some People Do

8: Rainbow Day

SOOKIE

While Bear and Björn run along the surf, I think back to the day Eric brought Bear home. It was before my drinking was completely out of control. I remember being slightly buzzed because I don't think I was ever completely sober for more than an hour or so on any given day, and I was usually sleeping during that hour. I got really good at hiding my drinking from people. I went to work smashed more often than not. Honestly, when I look back on how little regard I had for myself or anyone else, it boggles my mind that I somehow never caused an accident or hurt someone else with my recklessness.

Bear was so tiny though, when Eric first brought him home. He was just a tiny puppy. We both suspected he was the runt of the litter. It became obvious really quick that Bear liked to be warm and he hated to be alone. He would wiggle his way into the big pocket on the front of my pullover sweaters and take a nap in there while I was reading or watching TV. He would poke his little head out, but the rest of him would be curled up, nice and warm in that pouch. When he outgrew it, I special ordered something like one of those thunder vests for him. He liked being snug and secure. Bear went through God knows how many fleece blankets. We didn't let him sleep on the bed with us but I put a heating pad on his dog bed so that he would be nice and warm at night. His bed was as close to ours as we would allow it.

He caught a cough once and like any other sick baby, he just wanted Mama. Bear took up residence on my lap and took all the pets and cuddles I could give him. For most of his life he has been the healthiest dog. He's always been a good weight and very active. To see him limping along like he is now hurts my heart.

"Where is the cancer?" I ask Eric since I don't know. I suppose it doesn't matter where it is, but I'm curious.

"The tumor is under his arm," Eric tells me.

I frown and say, "Poor Bear. That explains the limping."

"Yeah, he's doing his best. I hate that he's in so much pain. I can only do so much for him, you know?"

"Keeping him alive and miserable is no kind of life," I reply. "I'll tell you the truth. At first when I read your message I strongly considered not coming. I thought it would be best to remember Bear as the robust, happy dog with no pain or limitations. Just him at his best, doing his zoomies all over the house and yard, and loving every minute of it. Then I realized that I owe it to him and to myself to see this through. Maybe he's happy I'm here and maybe he's not, but I think it's good for all of us that I came." By all of us, I mean Eric too.

We're not close anymore. Up until he messaged me, we hadn't spoken since that day outside of the doggy daycare after I fell off the wagon. I've had slips since then. I'm human. But I don't give up on myself and I don't treat it like it's the end of the world. I've had to learn how to give myself a break. Not everything I do is a goddamn punishment, or deserving of one. I don't go to meetings anymore, but that's because I feel as though I've gotten everything I can from them. Being present, in this moment, watching my old dog run and play on his Best Day is doing more for my soul than any meeting ever could.

"I think it's good to. I'm glad you made the trip. I know he's happy, but I'm happy to see you as well."

"I'm happy to see you too. I'm in a much better place than I was last time." Last time I was better from a sobriety perspective, but there's so much more to it than simply not drinking. I found a lifestyle that works for me and that is everything.

"So am I. I thought I was okay then and I wasn't. I was pretty fucked in the head," he confesses.

"That's the human condition," I say with a little laugh.

"Yes it is. I've gotten better. My mom even likes me again," he chuckles.

"Say what? That's... impressive." Seriously, Sabrina is a judgemental bitch. If I never see her again, I'll be just fine with that. I used to make excuses for her shitty behavior because I was a drunk. When I look back on it, I realize that she is probably the reason why Eric got into that whole "just kidding" thing he used to do. Being honest around Sabrina is not possible. Everything is a trap with her. That's a lot of head fuckery.