Some People Do

10: Aloha

SOOKIE

It turns out I gave up on my dreams of motherhood too soon. Two months after I got back from Hawaii I thought I caught a stomach flu, but it didn't come with fever or anything that would really signify that I was actually sick. Then the sore boobs came and my period didn't. A pregnancy test confirmed the suspicion in my head. The visit to my doctor a few days later completely cemented it. I was pregnant. I am pregnant. Going on sixteen weeks, in fact.

I know the baby is Eric's. I also haven't told him yet. I decided I want to tell him face to face and not over a video chat. We've been talking regularly since my visit back to the mainland. Things are different between us now. Better. Early on we decided that if we have any shot at being in each other's lives now we have to completely wipe the slate clean. Before doesn't exist for us. I fucked up. He fucked up. We both behaved horribly and treated each other badly. It's easier to say that I was the instigator or to give him a free pass because I was an alcoholic, but that's not the way it works.

We could spend the rest of our lives jabbing at each other's flaws and flinging blame at one another for all sorts of things. Who the fuck wants to live that way? So we don't talk about our old life together, with the exception of Bear and the good memories. The bad shit is locked in a box, stored far, far away. So far, it's working. Maybe someday it won't. If that ever becomes an issue I think we're both mature enough to agree to see a counselor about it.

But we're learning a lot about one another and who are now. We've both found our true selves. Not telling him about the pregnancy has been hard. I haven't told him because I'm not going to move back to Portland and I'm not going to have an abortion. I'm being given the most incredible gift. What Eric chooses to do when he finds out is up to him. Maybe that's selfish, but a baby is a big enough upheaval in my life without having to worry about moving back to a place where I don't really want to live. I'm happy where I am. I'm also sure I can be a single mom if I have to be.

Something tells me that isn't going to be a situation I have to worry about. So I look at this like it's going to be a great surprise when Eric arrives. Which, according to the clock over the stove, should be any minute now.

Since I'm older than most first time moms, there are extra tests I've had to have. That means even though I'm only fifteen weeks and five days into my pregnancy, I know the gender of our baby. Eric's never expressed a preference one way or another when we talked about kids in the past. All we ever agreed on was that we wanted our kids to be healthy. Gender is not the be all, end all. He's not one of those guys who needs to have a son in order to feel like a real man.

There's a knock on the door. Artis barks. I take a deep breath and hope he doesn't lose his shit when he notices the bump under the maxi dress I'm wearing. It's white with bold red hibiscus flowers on it. The v-neck halter is barely holding back my giant boobs. If nothing else, this kid is going to be so well fed it's not even funny. I walk to the door on bare feet. I've even tucked a flower behind my ear into the braid my hair is in. Eric smiles when I open the door.

"Hey, stranger," I say with a smile.

"Hi." He leans in to kiss me. "I–" Eric is stopped when Artis practically knocks him down. "Well, hello to you too," he laughs.

"So that answers the question of whether or not she still remembers you," I laugh. I lean down to give Björn some pets. He's wearing his therapy dog get up, which is probably how he got on the plane. I'm glad he didn't have to go in a kennel in the cargo hold.

When Artis stops licking off Eric's whole face, she realizes there's another dog outside her door. They don't hesitate to sniff one another out while I finally get my hug from Eric.