Meyers

4th July 2010 - Feels Good

It was the fourth of July, one of the biggest days on the American calendar. In Las Vegas, this was just another excuse to party - and drink ice cold beers in the burning sun. This year, Mikaya was away with her friends on the strip, so Puero had Josh. This could sometimes become awkward as he now had a daughter named Danica with a woman who did not like Josh, she was called Amelia. Josh could tell she didn't like him, although she tried to hide it. Puero had told her that it was the fourth of July, so she mustn't ruin it for Josh. She had reluctantly agreed.

"Daddy!" Josh said, running towards his dad, waving an American flag aggressively, "Do you want a flag?"

"Yeah, why not," Puero said, placing his beer on the table, "It's the fourth of July."

Josh handed him a flag and sat on his father's lap. He enjoyed his dad's company, he didn't receive it very often anymore, not with his father having a new family and his mother dating a new man called Aaron. Puero had noticed a couple of bruises in places that weren't normal, such as the wrists and upper arm but he just assumed Mikaya was on it and wouldn't let anyone hurt their son - he hoped she wouldn't be blinded by love. He finished his third beer whilst holding Josh, hoping his little boy felt safe with him. Puero hoped Josh felt that his arms were a safe space, a space where Josh could feel love. He wasn't sure if he was jumping to conclusions too fast though - maybe he'd drunk too much already.

Puero had told himself he could have two cans of beer today, to prove to himself that he did have self-control. They'd only just had lunch and he was now moving onto his fourth. He asked Josh if he wanted any drinks from the fridge.

"Coke please!" Josh said loudly, it was his favourite drink.

"Of course," Puero said, walking towards the fridge.

He got out a Coke can out of the fridge and on his way back grabbed a drink from the ice bucket outside. As he handed the Coke to Josh, he looked at what he'd picked up, it was another Budweiser. Puero looked over at his girlfriend with his baby, then looked over at Josh. He felt guilty in a strange way; he felt bad for Josh. He felt he'd abandoned him, replaced him with someone else. He also felt guilty for the thoughts he thought too often about his son, thoughts of anger and hatred - wishing he'd disappear to allow him to move on and settle down with his girlfriend. Maybe these are the thoughts that started his drinking, as the guilt he felt after them was immense. Josh himself had never done anything wrong but could sense something change within his dad. 

He motioned for Josh to come and sit on his lap, which Josh gladly did. He ran over and leant against his father before jumping onto his lap. They both just sat for a little bit, not saying a word as Josh leant his back onto his shoulder - resting it there.

"Puero," his father, Pedro, said, "No more alcohol, okay?"

"Yes, I know, I know," Puero said, looking down, trying his hardest to avoid eye contact, "This is my last one."

"Mkay," his father said, "I'll be checking."

Pedro disappeared into the house, leaving Josh and Puero outside. They both just sat in silence but they both liked that. Just feeling comfortable in each other's presence as this was not as common as it used to be.

"Puero, baby," a woman whispered in Puero's ear, "Come inside quickly to take pictures with Danni."

"Alright Tess," Puero said, in a much less seductive manner, "Josh you stay here, I'll be right back, ok?"

"But what about our pictures," Josh said, confused, "I want pictures with you too."

"Yours can wait," Tessa snapped, "Come on Puero."

Puero looked at her then looked at Josh. He mouthed 'I won't be long' at him, to which Josh just stared at him. His eyes were beginning to glaze over, he didn't like people raising his voice at him, or being left alone. They both reminded him of being with Aaron, he didn't want Tessa to hurt him too. Tessa spoke to Josh the same way Aaron did, a way that made him feel unwelcome and unwanted when with his own mother or father - even in his own home. He tried not to cry so he began to think of things to do. He had brought some toy cars, but they were in his bag, which was in the hallway, so that was out of the picture. Josh then looked at his dad's beer, what Josh had just come to assume was his favourite drink as he drank it more than other drinks. Curiosity got the better of him and he took a sip and immediately spat it out, he thought it was gross; bitter and barely fizzy. He put it back where he'd found it and quickly had a big gulp of coke to drown out the taste. Josh then sat down, confused. 'Why does daddy drink it if it tastes that bad?' he wondered. To pass the time, he just jumped up and down, making a small dust cloud form, making him feel like a giant.

After a couple more minutes, Puero, Tessa and baby Danica finally emerged from the house. They were all smiling and laughing. Josh waited for Puero to come back over like he'd promised, but he didn't. Josh waited patiently for fifteen minutes before he couldn't contain his tears anymore. Puero had told Josh that if he was with both Tessa AND his sister Danica, he had to wait until he was called over. So, Josh obeyed, like the good little boy he was. He'd also learnt what had happened if he disobeyed orders, he'd learned from Aaron - he didn't want his father to do the same. Josh cried quietly so as not to disturb everyone else, he'd also moved to a corner of the garden, leaving his coke as he'd lost his appetite. Anyway, his mom had told him too much coke was bad for him.

It wasn't until Josh's uncle, Juan, came over that Puero noticed Josh crying. Juan pointed to the corner Josh was in. He looked over and saw his little boy quietly sobbing in a corner. He quickly halted the conversation with Tessa and ran over to Josh. 'I forgot about him', Puero thought to himself, whilst he ran towards Josh.

As he got closer, Josh opened his arms out for a cuddle. Puero obliged, he felt awful. He was most angry at Tessa, that had been her plan all along. They were the family pictures, not personal pictures, Josh was supposed to be in those, but she didn't want him. How could he have been so stupid? He picked him up and carried him to his car for some quiet, so no one could find them.

"I'm so sorry Joshua, I really am," Puero said, giving his son the sincerest apology he could, "I didn't mean to leave you alone for that long."

"It's fine daddy," Josh said, wiping his tears away with his hand, "I just thought you'd never come and get me because you were with Tess and Danica."

"Oh Josh," Puero said, "You're so lovely."

Josh smiled. Puero knew Josh was a very forgiving kid, lots of children would have thrown a hissy fit. Josh just forgave him, immediately. They both sat there for a couple of seconds, maybe minutes, just thinking. Then Josh broke the silence with a pivotal question.

"Daddy?" Josh asked, pointing at his beer can, "Why do you drink that? It tastes horrible."

"Well," Puero said, already kind of drunk, "It may not taste the best, but it makes you feel the best. It makes your problems feel small, sometimes it even makes you forget them. It makes you feel good whilst you drink it, makes you feel happy even if you're not."

Puero shouldn't have said that in front of a highly impressionable six-year-old, but he was only twenty-two himself, so it just slipped out. They both sat there, for a couple of minutes. Josh began wondering why his dad needed help feeling happy, but he was mainly fascinated by the fact a drink could change how you feel.

Maybe this conversation was a nail in Josh's coffin, maybe it wasn't, no one knows. However, the fact his father drank, normalized it for him and this was the first time he found out alcohol changes how you feel.

He carried Josh back inside and held him as they waited for the fireworks to go off. It didn't matter what happened in his life, or his son's life, because Josh would always be his son and he'd always be Josh's father.