Love letters

12th letter

I saw her yesterday. She was standing there, her physique translucent with all the mist sprawled

between us. I thought I had missed my chance. I thought this was it. I would never see her again.

I was so wrong.

She was in the park, the one just next to my living quarters. I had gone there to clear my head and move on with the traumatizing reality that I would never see her again.

What the hell was she doing there, then?

She looked at me and gave a soft smile. I gulped the lump in my throat and stood there, my feet frozen. She signalled at a bench nearby. I watched her sit down on that bench. I followed suit, willing myself not to run away.

We stared at each other for the next few seconds. I studied every feature of her face, trying to drink in every bit of emotion visible there. Her curly bouncy hair. God, I was so drawn to tangling my fingers in her hair just four months back. Her beautiful chocolatey eyes. I wish I could drown in them. And her smile. Oh, her lovely smile.

I could already see my future: lying lazily on the couch watching sick romance shows on Netflix with dried up streaks of tears on my cheeks.

"Hey," she said with a smile.

"Hi. How have you been?" I willed my voice to stay even. I was stronger than this.

"Going along with life. Why weren't you there when our classmates were sharing their goodbyes to me?"

"I- I don't know. I guess...I didn't have the power to." Defeat lined my words.

"Are you okay?"

"How okay can I be when a fucking snake has wrapped itself around my hand?" I intended to use 'snake' as a metaphor for the pain that was squeezing my heart, my 'hand' being a metaphor for my heart.

Of course she didn't catch up.

"I guess not much," she laughed.

"Yeah, so that is how I am. Not so okay."

She laughed again.

"I love the way you laugh, my dear."

She froze and looked at me with a frozen smile on her lips. Of course I had to say something stupid to ruin this mood. But now that I took my first step, I knew very well I wasn't about to go back. It's like stepping on a wobbly bridge with a raging river beneath it and you just don't want to go back to safety. You want to tread upon the weak wood. See what happens.

"Why? Haven't you gotten over me yet?"

I took her hand in mine and placed it on my heart, "Once fall in love, remain in love forever. That is why."

She didn't make an effort to take her hand back. We commenced into silence. She wasn't about to say anything. So, I took a deep breath and continued.

"I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't made it so obvious in my letters that the girl I wanted was you. Would I have had a chance?"

"You know you wouldn't have. I am straight, remember?"

"I know that. I just... can't help but wonder. I guess I made a big mistake there. I should have tried becoming friends with you. I just wanted to get closer to you, no matter if it was platonic or romantic. I guess I didn't care. I just..." I looked down at my lap, my heart beat racing. Her hand was still there. She must have felt it because she closed her eyes, humming to what I said.

"I realised I liked you. I thought it would go away like the rest of my crushes. It didn't. It intensified. I knew what I was getting myself into when I wrote my first letter to you. The way you read it and said I could be a great writer without even knowing it was for you, it led me on. I don't know...every time I remember that day, I just wish to go back, tell my stupid self not to make it too obvious. But then, I guess I wanted you to know that there was- is someone out there looking out for you, putting you up on a pedestal, ready to treat you like a queen, ignoring all your flaws -not that you have any- and just...so in love with you." I chuckled to myself bitterly,

"Strange, isn't it? How I fell for a girl I was sworn enemies with for the last fucking five years. I just relate to Shawn Mendes's songs now than I had been before."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Damn it, girl! I fucking love you! I want you! I can't imagine a world with you gone, my love." My voice cracked in the end. I squeezed my eyes shut. I still had to say some things.

"I think I just love your girl types, those who make me feel safe, those who give off the vibe that they just have everything under control. You know, whenever I was with you, and that was never much, I felt so safe. I was assured you had everything under control and that I could hide under your presence without worrying about nonsense like 'there are no cockroaches here, right?' or some such shit. You make me feel great."

I opened my eyes, only to see her watching me with an intense gaze, her mouth slightly agape, willing me to go on.

"I wasted the time I had with you, darling. I try cherishing every single moment I spend with you, but then I just get reminded of the harsh reality that you would probably leave me some day as well. You know, the line 'I wish I had one friend I wasn't destined to lose'? I so relate to it. I fucking cried in the bathroom thinking about you, how you would probably never accept and reciprocate my feelings for you. And trust me, this has never happened before. A pain I am so willing to feel because you are worth it. That is how much you mean to me, darling."

A cold breeze made me shiver from head to toe. I waited for an answer. I felt her hand slipping away. I smiled crudely to myself. 

'You're slipping through my fingertips a little bit, by a little bit~'

"You still write for me, don't you?" Came her smooth velvety voice.

I nodded, "Songs, poems, letters, all of the types."

"Will you show them to me?"

I nodded again. "Meet me tomorrow, here. I will give them to you."

Another eternity of silence.

And then, before I could think of the consequences, I wrapped my arms around her, tackling her into a hug. She didn't tense. Just sighed. I felt her arms circling my waist. I breathed in her scent. "Maybe I will meet you in the next life, darling. I am sure we would be destined soulmates then. I will wait for you. No matter how fucking long I will have to wait. You are so worth it, my dear." I sniffled. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't take my hand to wipe them.

She broke off the embrace and looked at me straight in the eye. Then she did something I had always fantasized about. She pressed her lips onto mine. It was chaste and short and she pulled back before I could even respond. "I know I won't find another guy in this world who would love me like you do. I know that. You have proved it enough number of times. I wish I could do something to soothe your heart ache. And for the first time, I can't do anything about it. I feel so damn powerless."

I sobbed as I stood up. "You would never be able to soothe me, darling. You are just a forbidden fruit who is so alluring because she is forbidden. Thank you, darling. Thanks a lot."

"Thank you too," she whispered as I ran back to my house, crying. I didn't know what to do with myself. But atleast, I was at peace for the time being.