I cannot say it's possible, but it is. All people I know think I'm way more weak than I really am. I always seemed to be weak and innocent but I don't really think I'm that innocent, that... Ugh. Is there seriously no person that I am the one has the power? You know. The phisical and mental power. I want to meet a person that will cheer for me. And me for him, or her. I want to be with this person forever. This PERSON will not be annoyed whatever I have done. Will laugh with me. Will be with me. Forever. No one will ruin our relationship. Never.
For now. I have friends. 4 classmates. We are all along from over a year. They seem pretty nice but they all get easy annoyed when I try to make atmosphere more happy and less silence. They don't really appreciate it. I see this like that. Maybe that's I see the world differently? I don't know... I really want to know if they like me or just looking down on me because... Ugh...! I just don't want to say I'm weak bitch! Why are they like that? Are they really my friends? Or just pretending? I really want to know... Is it worth to be with them? Why I am insulted everyday that I have no power at all? They always believe that I am lazy and I can't do anything. Yes... Everything is gonna work out fine! Yes! YESSS!!! They are saying only true stuff about me because everything I can do is die and burn in fucking hell!!
Everything is okay. Don't panic. You have this girl. You will be alright with us. Just trust your friends. We're here for you. We can help you. Always. Here. for. You... You...
Everyone is really bad. I feel so guilty about myself. Why. Did I something wrong? What have I done? My personality? What's wrong? Am I the bad buy now? Huh???? Answer me please... If I have done anything that you don't like just give me a chance to get better. Oh sorry I can't. I'm not what did you expect. If I don't want to do something I won't do this. Sorry. You can't change what I'm doing, even I can't change what I am doing. I am just a short person, that is annoying, weird and... And... WEAK okay?! I'm not even important one here. There are many people with even worse problems, and I'm probably just dramatic, and those people are not even complaining about their big problems they have. Those people that "know" what I'm thinking, doing, existing for are just lame people that try to be empathic, that's all. They just want attention from me but they won't get it until they really try to help me. There is no person that will understand what I feel and not pretend or even try to feel what I feel, just be with me and only me, feel with me, fill me. But eh. I just forgot. There is no person like this in this world. Even my parents. I feel kind of lonely, even there are people around me...
If I just could control my weird actions I am doing, even that are not from anger but also too much happiness or anything. That would be so much better to live. It looks like I need to live with those stupid things. That's completely fine heh... That's completely not bothering me. The thing I need to do is pretend I don't have this wired personality. I need to change them, but actually it's kinda bad idea. If I don't show who I really am, they won't understand me. If I pretend too much or even try, they will feel suspicious of me. They will feel unsafe, suspicious around me. I still don't know why and how but if I try to act I just know what will happen even that couldn't be even true. What is wrong with my thoughts? Sometimes I just can't control what I am thinking about and my emotions are also reacting to it. I could even attack a innocent person, when I really want. For nothing. Completely nothing.
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That's the nothing. The black or any color without anything in it. A complete darkness in any color. Lack of any feelings. Blank area. I could describe this in any That was me 2 years ago. The me without anything. The crying bucket. My mom wouldn't even believe me, and so dad. He always was a horrible person. From my birth until now. He acted like he loved but only he want from me is to do everything for him and have only good grades. That's strange why I was a kind of bucket filled with water that made me completely feel sad emotions and no other. If had to feel other emotion than sadness it would be just emptiness and lack of guilty. I really wanted call mom for help but she even didn't want to help me. I thought they would more supportive, but live is live and you cannot change that. You can't change what live gives you. You can't change what you have done. That's why you must mind before you do something to any person. Even your best friend. All your actions will have consequences. Every choice you'll do will change the way people see you, change your personality, anything, even your whole life. Beacose actually, life is like a game. You need to be wiser than an owl. You need to make good choices, learn the most important things for you, survive and just live your life like many other people. I know, sometimes it could be hard, I have hard times too but killing yourself is totally not an option. If you give up on your life that would be very bad choice, beacose there are people with serious problems and yours are not, it's false. Everyone's problems are big for someone and we need to respect them no matter what. Maybe you don't like to support but if they want a help from you just give it a try. I don't really like helping people but if they are calling me I would help. I could help you but you're not listening at all. I told you so many things to deal with the live. I thought I would be inspiring at once. Well... Life is a life I guess. No one was listening to me because I'm way too weak to anyone listen to me. Why I am even complaining? Uh...
