Clandestine: Rising

Chapter 4: The labyrinth of a mind

Anne made out shapes and figures in the clouds as they drove to the doctor. It had been two weeks. Her memories were still not back and the elephants in the room had not been addressed by Anne or her mother, both expecting the other to start the very hard and long conversation.

It was the 11th of April, Anne had found out the date from the News Channel, which was one of the 6 channels they had. SIX! Thankfully there was a wide selection of movies on the hard drives. She knew it was stupid but she had been combing all the films that had memory loss in them, hoping for any clues. Nothing realistic or logically possible had turned up or ever would. She knew that. But still, she continued her movie marathon; it was something to do. Thinking quickly got tiring and journaling, a hobby she adored, didn't bring her joy anymore. And she couldn't skate. The only other thing to do was read her diary which hadn't given her any useful information yet but the next entry seemed really promising, it was done in a completely different format than the previous ones and everything was written in a single colour. Blue. Not pink or purple or even pastel blue, just a regular, blue pen. It had also been written a month after the last entry and wasn't very neat. Everything about it was very uncharacteristic for 15-year-old Anne; she was pedantic about her diary.

She climbed out of the car and then waited for an hour to see the doctor, who was sitting with a beanstalk of a man which Anne, upon entering the office, thought was a patient. She had been very embarrassed. The spindly man introduced himself as a therapist, Dr Naidoo, who would be sitting in for the first half of this session. He explained exactly what he was looking for and what they'd be doing in the second half.

Anne tried to comprehend what he was saying but he was using so much jargon she couldn't ever hope to follow his prattle, so her eyes and mind wandered elsewhere.

Dr Naidoo was really tall, the kind of tall that had to bend down so as to not bump their heads on door frames, but his intimidating height was cancelled out by his boney body. A slight breeze could've knocked him over and he could easily stand behind any young tree and not be seen. He also had this owlish stare, intelligent and almost predatory, she felt like a mouse hundreds of metres away and he was perched on a high up branch, watching her every move. And he wasn't even looking her in the eyes.

The other doctor poked and prodded at her, checking her vitals and reflexes. "You need to eat more and sleep betta" He informed her in his limited English after the basic check-up.

"Thanks, genius, you don't think I know that!" Was what Anne wanted to say but she just smiled and nodded instead. Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

The therapist was even more awkward as they just stared at each other for about 5 minutes but then Dr Naidoo coughed and spouted the usual therapist spiel before diving into questions that felt like they were straight out of a teen magazine. What her favourite colour and favourite boy band had to do with recovering her memories, she would never know.

"Watermelon pink and... I don't have one. I don't really listen to a lot of music." She preferred podcasts and audiobooks as her background noise when doing things.

After the measly 30 minutes were over, her and her mother were out in the streets, hoping Anne would recognise something. Anything.

They browsed department stores and street vendors and stopped to do grocery shopping. They sat by the fountain eating dried corn bits and walked past the graffitied skate park, which reminded Anne of Daphne and her boyfriend, Tekani.

Their little group would be dragged by Daphne to the skate park at least twice a month to play wingmen and support her with her crush, who she swore was "just a friend" for ages. Until they started dating at the beginning of Year 10 (Year 11 for Zekani).

She couldn't reminisce for long however as her mother then dragged her to go and look at cell phones.

"As promised." Her mother had said with a stiff smile, eyes hinting at Anne not to go for anything expensive. Anne didn't get the coded message. It took several phones to be rejected and her mother gesturing towards the cheaper side, that Anne got it.

"Why didn't she just tell me she couldn't afford a nice phone?" Anne grumbled, scanning the display case before deciding on a Samsung J7. She refused to go any cheaper, this was bad enough, she could just imagine her friends' horror if they knew what she was buying.

They're not here though, why does it matter?

Why did it ever matter?

Anne ignored the questions and kept walking. Her mother nodded approvingly at her choice, bought it and set it up for her. Then it was the hour-long drive back to the house of her nightmares and the glimmers of happiness she had felt that afternoon ebbed away with the fading sunlight. It was sunset when they arrived back, there had been a herd of cows blocking the road which had taken an hour to clear, her mother was annoyed but seemed used to it, which she battled to wrap her head around. Her mother was infamous for her road rage. Swearing, screaming, rude gestures, you name it.

Just another change she didn't understand. Maybe it was just the 'country lifestyle' that had affected her?

She immediately retreated into her room and the prickling feeling on the back of her neck finally disappeared; the whole morning it had felt as if she was being watched.

"Anne, go and shower, you haven't gone for one since you woke up and you stink."

Her mother was so kind with her words, honestly Anne was touched.

She was right though, Anne desperately needed to wash. She marched to the bathroom and locked the door.

"Time to get undressed!" She announced to the empty room.

She did not move an inch.

Her skin already felt so foreign on her... she didn't know if she could handle actually looking at it. Her legs started to go numb after a while so with a determined breath she began removing her clothes. "Do it like a bandaid. Quick and with a short period of pain." She told herself, the only way to become used to her body was to look at it. She could do this!

She gulped and opened her eyes. Her reflection looked back at her. There were more freckles on her face than there used to be. On her legs and stomach too and there were now little scars of unknown origins scattered about her legs. Her stretch marks were even more prominent and she was more muscular than she had ever been. Her figure skating frame having bulked up from doing... who knows what, she could only guess and each theory was wilder than the last. Ranging from farm work to becoming a gymnast. Her hair was darker and a bit matted from not being washed in a while.

She felt disgusting.

The Anne that was staring back at her from the mirror was not her. She resembled Anne, yes, brown eyes, cinnamon hair, pale skin but there was this offness, something was missing...displaced. Something greater than her memories. She knew her reflection was her but it didn't feel like it. Something was wrong and she didn't know what! She was wrong and she didn't know why. Broken and wrong wrong wrong wrongwrongwrong -

Her chest grew tighter and shaky, her lungs must have been shrinking, and the next thing she knew she was dry heaving into the toilet.

"Anne, are you... make sure you shower, okay? It'll make you feel better."

Anne didn't respond.

~

It loathed Anne to admit it but the shower had made her feel better. Her hair was no longer itchy and she felt refreshed and warm, especially once she wrapped herself up in her fluffy blanket.

She tiptoed into the kitchen, all the lights were off so she assumed her mother had gone to bed.

"Here."

Anne jumped and whipped around to see her mother holding two mugs, "Hot chocolate, with marshmallows." Anne smiled gratefully and allowed herself to be herded to the couch. They both sat nursing their mugs, taking occasional sips.

Silence had never been so loud before.

Should she say something? What could she say to get all the answers she wanted?

Her mother coughed and sighed, grabbing Anne's attention immediately. She took a gulp of her drink as if it was alcohol instead of hot chocolate and then began to speak.