The rain was colder than Jane expected as she opened her SUV door but the wind was soft. It was early in October and she had left work on a dime after a flurry of texts from her daughter buzzed through. She was home for the weekend and it had been a stressful morning for Adeline. First year away from home can be a lot Jane thought. A text arrived early in the morning, worrying about school, love and that foreboding future. She had told her to breathe and take a break from thinking about things she couldn't control. Jane guessed she didn't take her advice because twenty minutes later another panicked message came in. It was like a web, one worry connecting into the other until she had crawled into an epicenter of sticky strings pulling her from all directions, all connected through fear. Jane started to remind her of the coping mechanisms we worked on and easy foundational thoughts to hold onto but the wave of panic did not recede, it continued to surge with watery worries, breaking down dams she'd carefully built up in therapy. It had been a while since a panic attack had overtaken her so completely but Jane knew that life has a way of "testing the dams". Jane's phone was buzzing constantly before she left and had to put it on silent. Arriving home she was lucky she didn't barrel into the driveway without looking because Adeline was fully spread on the wet concrete, looking up, breathing shallow and quick. Jane knew immediately. Adeline was in the thick of it and Jane wanted nothing more than to pull the plug holding all her daughters worries and watch them drain away. It broke her heart that she couldn't. A memory of Adeline as a baby bloomed, a time when she could squeeze her daughters fingers lightly to bring her out of a crying tizzy and then breathe slow deep breaths together. The rain hit harder with puddles forming around them. Her car door was still open while a song played from the door speakers. Jane didn't say a word. She laid next to her daughter, the pitter patter of the rain splashing into her face, she grabbed Adeline's fingers and squeezed, just like she used to, while breathing deep. Adeline squeezed back and Jane briefly quickly caught a tear running down her face amidst the rain. They breathed together slow and steady knowing that the storm wouldn't last forever.
