The Bad Guys ~ ONESHOTS

HACKED

"You sure this'll work?" Snake asked, poking with his tail at the nearby phone. Webs nodded with a wide grin.

"Yep!" Webs said happily. "I connected Diane's phone to mine so she'll probably be taking her phone everywhere with her, for starters, and second, we'll be able to eavesdrop on Wolf's date!"

"Question, why are we eavesdropping on Wolf's date again?" Shark asked.

Webs shrugged. "I dunno. Blackmail?"

"Ohhh," Piranha said, his face clearing. "Now I understand. I thought you were all just trying to make a sex tape of them or something."

"PIRANHA!" Webs yelled. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I HAVE A LIST THIS HIGH, CHICO!"

"How would you even know what a sex tape is?" Snake asked suspiciously.

"Brooklyn Nine-Nine," Piranha answered. "Except, they're the good guys, and they make sex tapes."

"First off," Webs said, stomping one of her furry legs, "Brooklyn Nine-Nine is the best TV series ever. Secondly, Piranha, you still haven't thanked me for hacking into Netflix so you could watch it. Thirdly, let's all shut up! Wolf is about to arrive at Diane's!"

"I still think you're going to end up making a sex tape," Piranha said, and Shark smacked him with a cushion.

"Webs," Snake asked, "Did you put a camera in Diane's house?"

"Okay, this is borderline stalking - " Shark began.

Webs shushed him. "They're our friends, it's our duty to stalk them," she said. "And yes, Snake, I did put the camera in the house."

"Where?" Snake asked.

"CREEPY SPIDER CREEPY SPIDER CREE - " Shark started to shout.

"In the living room," Webs replied.

Piranha frowned. "I thought they usually did it on the bed?"

"That's it!" Snake whacked Piranha with another cushion. "Out!"

"Hey, I was just stating a fact, amigo!"

"Shush!" Webs said, pressing a fuzzy leg to her headset. "I can hear Diane muttering to herself. Okay, Wolfie is walking up the driveway."

"Why won't they ever have their dates at our place?" Shark wondered.

"Oh, I don't know," Snake grunted. "Maybe because Piranha will start talking about Jake and Amy's sex tape from Brooklyn Nine-Nine."

"Quiet!" Webs commanded. She flicked on the TV, clicked on a few buttons on her laptop, and an image appeared of Diane's living room on the TV.

"Woah," Shark whispered. "You were for real when you said you bugged her house."

"Well, yes, obviously," Webs hissed back. "You can go back to thinking I'm creepy now."

"Actually, I was gonna go for cool, but creepy fits it as well!"

"Shut up, shut up, I can't hear!" Snake snarled. "Webs, turn the sound up!"

"Okay, okay," the tarantula huffed. "Mr. Grumpypants." She quickly turned up the sound, just as they saw Wolf walk through the door.

"It's him!" Shark let out a tiny squeal.

"Wow, big surprise, now shut it," Snake snapped back.

"Chill, baby!"

"Hi Diane," Wolf said to Diane, who stood at the door in a loose pink dress. He was wearing a sheepish grin and holding roses. "Uh, flowers! For you!"