idk what to call this :|

Untitled Part 4

helooooo im back again with another vent.

 my friend is back in school, should make me feel better, no? well i do infact not feel better. its not her its me, i feel so antisocial, i dont have any energy to talk and when i do im just forcing it out. im tired of having to act like im instresting and im tired of oversharing all the goddamn time. 

And also, i think i like this guy in class, but i dont know if its platonic or romantic. i think its romantic but im not very sure. its not like hes the best and most goodlooking guy in school but hes decent. hes nice. and im shit. i make fun of him as jokes, its mean ik, but he does it back its all good. But i hate liking guys, i hate having to try to look good in the mornings to keep their intrest in me, i wish i didnt care. i feel like im flirting with every guy that walks by. any male species i talk with. i laugh at their jokes, even when theyre lame- but i laugh at everyones jokes, its not limited to them, i laugh alot, i laugh if someone nudges me. yet it feels so wrong, so unatural so weird. 

and even if i like him its not like im gonna do something about it. im just gonna sit here talk to him sometimes, be in his groups when my friend isnt here. and graduate from 9th grade and forget all about him. as if he never existed.

I wish for things to go back to how they used to. going to school meeting my closest friends and just having to worry abt home, not anything else. I was so blessed and i didnt even realize it.