My Mother and Ava Summerfield

Four

I lay on my bed staring at the contact in my phone. This is crazy. There is a knock on my door.

"Come in." I call, dropping my phone to my chest.

"Hey Jayden, can we talk?" Fletcher says standing in the open doorway.

I sit up to face him. "Yeah, what's up?" As he takes more steps into my room I see that he is holding a stack of papers. "What are those?" I ask, expecting to say bills or junk mail. He only looks away. "Fletcher?"

"They are Mom's" He says holding out the stacks of paper to me.

I snatch them from his hand. "What are they?"

"Emails that I printed out from her account. We are brothers and I'm sorry that I didn't show these to you earlier."

I thumb through the papers, but I am too overwhelmed to focus on what they say. "Get out." I say

"Jayden, I'm sorry, but-"

"Get out!" Fletcher nods and lingers for a moment before he turns and walks away, closing the door behind him. This is all too much.

I open the drawer of my bedside table and shove the paper inside. I can't deal with this. I push the panic rising in my throat down. My eyes sting, but I refuse to cry. I close my eyes.

The sound of my brother's text tone in my phone wakes me up. Do you want something to eat?

I type back quickly, No. I want to be alone. It's 8:43.

I roll over and close my eyes and wait for the next day to come, I don't even bother to change out of my clothes and crawl under the covers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I wake up before my alarm. I take a shower and try to convince myself that what my brother said yesterday didn't happen. I am tempted to check my bedside table, but I don't want to be wrong. By the time that the water starts to run cold I feel like it is the second day of school and nothing more.

I don't look at my brother as walk into the kitchen. It wasn't real. "Can we get to school later today?" I ask peeling a banana.

"Sure." That is all that is passed between us.

We arrive at the entrance of the school six minutes before the bell rings. I wonder through the halls following the path that Ava showed me yesterday to my English class. Holden is already seated and a small nod is exchanged.

I zone out as Mrs. Hancock explains more about the class. I let my wonder back to the emails from my mother until, with the force of a large, ocean wave it hits me. My palms become hot, damp, and sticky. I feel my heart rate beat faster and faster until my chest feels like it's going to explode. I try to slow my breathing. I glance up at the clock and count down the last two minutes and twenty- eight seconds of class.

The bell rings and I push myself out of my chair and on to shaking legs. I stumble down the hall trying to hold myself together. I hear Holden call after me, but my heart is beating too loud in my ears to know what he is saying. I stagger around a corner and find myself in a hallway I've never noticed before.

The slight sound of girls talking echo down the corridor. I open the door to my right and slip inside. The room is dark. As I wander deeper into the room I run into a large, heavy fabric. It's a curtain. I follow it to the side and the room and it opens up into a wingspace. I am backstage in the auditorium.

I sink down the wall and onto the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest. My breathing is shallow and my throat feels like it is closing up. I'm drowning. The door opens and closes and the click of shoes snap against the wooden floor. I curl up, making my body smaller, not wanting to be found. Muffled instructions float through the air. As people get closer I recognize a voice. Ava.

"Hey, Ashley, help me move these boxes to the stage," I hear her call out.

Wheels start rolling and they only get closer. Then they stop, and I hear people walking. Ava and Ashley walk right in front of me. I hold my breath, but I see make eye contact with Ava and I know that I am no longer a secret. "Ashley, go ahead, I need to check on something."She kneels down beside me. My breathing is still short and quick, my heart is racing in my chest, and my whole body feels like it is trembling. I feel a wetness on my cheek. I hate crying in front of people.

"Jayden?" She asks, I can't respond. "Are you okay, what's wrong?"

I finally slow my breathing down enough to say, "I don't know"

I assume that the bell has rung, but I didn't hear it. Ava sits down beside me and wraps her arm around me. I only lean into her.

I stop shaking and my heart slows down, but my body is tired and my eyes are heavy and swollen. For a second, I let myself slip and my eyes close. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I jump and open my eyes. The room is dark. My head is resting on a small, bony shoulder. The events come back to me, the panic attack, Ava, sitting backstage. I move my head and I hear the shuffling of her hair. I lift my head. "What time is it?" I ask.She checks her phone, "1:37."

"Oh, it's already, seventh period."

"Yeah, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, have you been here the whole time?"

"You looked pretty bad. I didn't want to leave you here."

"Thanks, but I'm sorry that I made you miss class. Aren't we going to get in trouble?"

"Don't worry about it, I texted a friend in the office and she checked us out early. Technically, we left school hours ago?"

"Thanks," I say again. "I'm still sorry about that."

"Don't be. Do you know what happened?"

"I had a panic attack, I had them all the time when I was younger." I stretch my legs out and push off my elbows to stand up. I offer my hand to Ava and help her up. "So, do we go back to class?"

"Why would we? We aren't really here. Plus, even though it is dark in here, I'm sure you don't look too great."

I smile. We start walking through the wings until we reach the door and walk into the bright light of the hallway. I blink and squint until my eyes adjust.