Tales of a Stupid

How have I got here? Part 2

As I grew older I had many dreams despiste all the trouble I went through.

By the end of my elementary school I had many options I've could have followed though, remember that debt I mentioned earlier from my parents? It finally had bitten our asses so of all the choices I had, there was only one left that it wasn't expensive. A professional school of pastry and 1rst class cookers.

It wasn't way too expensive, though it wasn't free either so in order for me to buy the knife set and the clothes I needed to wear to attend classes I started working the first weekend after joining the school as a waitress at a few hotels as a part time jobs whenever I was called to work. After a month I had saved enough money to pay school for my clothes and knives set.

At these hotels I would be subject of constant mocking since I was the smallest one in the staff and surely the clumsiest. I had been feeling suicidal many times before and now with all the mocking, I was feeling worse then ever.

"Why bother any way? What do I live for? What will this looser acomplish anyway?" - These were my thoughts all the time back then. I never reached the final straw? Didn't had the courage to kill myself? I don't know honesly. The thought of ending everything was a constant idea on my head now but never really did anything. I endured it and kept working.

My senior year I tried to pop off a bit. Began acting extrovert even though it made me feel unconfortable. This way I met my now girlfriend.

Again started feeling the same love and intensity as before. We been together for almost 2 years now. All sweet and dreams til I discovered that she betrayed me with a man alot older then me. Never felt secure of myself again. Is it me again the problem? Am I not enough?
My stupid ass still thinks about this every day. He didn't broke up. I did and still trying my best to forgive and forget but I never felt the same about myself ever again. My stupid ass can't take the idea out of my head on how this is all my fault. That I was the guilty one. I wrap myself on my thoughts still trying to believe in a future where I can be happy. I feel dependent of her to be happy. I feel like whatever I ever do, it will never be enough. I started working on a company of high temperature furnaces. We build, demolish and do maintenence on said furnaces. I left her in Portugal. We both convinced ourselves that this was the best for our future since this pays better but every day, the thought that I might get dumped again or cheated on again frightens me. It literally paralizes me when I wake up. It drains all my energy even to breath.

Any attentious reader wanna give me some advices? Probably this texts are going to be lost in between all the stories on wattpad.

Why I'm writting this? Probably a way to express myself? A way to vent? Who knows.

This isnt going to be a "book" that it's going to get updated every week or so. Probably it will be more like once every month as a way to relieve my head as I am doing now writting these 3 "chapters".

Any way thanks if you are reading thus far and sorry for my english misspelling or poor choice of words though english isn't my first language.

Have a good one.

6/10/2022 05:42 AM