the butterfly effect (mgg x y/n)

moving in (1)

you ever feel like you just can't make it? it's like you envy the people around you, the ones that are always getting the part they want, the role they want, they have something to them that just makes them so favorited. it's like you're happy for them but it doesn't matter, it's not like they've noticed you anyways.

i wish i could say i was that person, so extroverted and sure of what they say or do. always with a group of friends, always joking with the director, always says they've "been doing this for years", well i've been doing this for years too, what makes us so different?

i've been wanting to be an actor for as long as i can remember. maybe i never tried, maybe i'm just not good enough, even worse, maybe i'm just a bad actor. well that would've been a waste of my time, i chuckled to myself.

maybe i'm just too hard on myself. 

that was then, this is now. today i can leave it all behind if i'd like, start a new life. i snap out of my wandering thoughts when brooke, my best friend showed her phone to me, implying for me to look at a post.

"broadway stars are just theatre kids that made it."

"god i hate that." i react to the post.

"never met a theatre kid that hates theatre kids." brooke giggled.

"i'm a kid that does theatre not a theatre kid." i oppose. we laugh a little longer and i turn back to my car window and watch the trees go by.

today we are making our way to our dreamy LA apartment, that's $2,100 a month and probably the size of a college dorm. if it wasn't for their special of 6 months rent free because brooke's mom just always "knows a guy", i would've refused that kind of price.

everyone needs a brooke in their life. i admire her charisma, her morals, she reminds me to just fucking calm down. we as humans, can get so stressed so fast so dangerously unaware. "what would brooke do?" is what i like to ask myself, it makes me realize i make things bigger than what they seem and i don't always need to be so on edge.

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we step foot into our apartment for the first time after it being completely decorated. of course we saw it in person before hand once or twice, but with brooke's mom being a very popular interior designer, we left it up to her to make it our home. and i love it, it's cozy and modern, it reminds me of autumn.

when you walk in, you come through a tiny hallway, right into this huge open floor of the kitchen and living room, with another hallway sort of in between them leading to our bathroom and bedrooms. that's the best i can paint the picture of our new apartment, my favorite thing about it is the kitchen. i love island tables. all my rich friends had them growing up so it just makes sense to me. 

"shirley did an amazing job." i say mesmerized.

brooke mocking her mom, "'give me a call that's 1-800-sure for sure shirley.' her stupid ass commercials." you laughed at her imitation. 

"remember matthew from college? i think we're in the area where the studio is for criminal minds."

matthew is one of those people i envy. we grew up together and we were decent friends, more like we're in the same class so i'm gonna talk to you but that's as far as it went as friends because we had fairly the same schedule through out high school and we went to the same college. i pursued theatre though, he pursued directing. i've had okay roles through out my life but i wish i could make it as big as him. he wasn't even interested in acting is all that ran through my head when i found out he was the voice actor for simon from alvin and the chipmunks. he didn't even try.

"i remember him. he was nice." brooke said.

we end up on the stools at our island table in our kitchen continuing our conversation, "it was hard for me to not like him because there was nothing for me to not like. i wish i could hate him for effortlessly living my dream." i said.