How do i keep myself stable and not break the glass that's over filling?
How do i tell them that i'm scared?
How do i tell them that i'm not perfect?
How do i tell them that no one is perfect?
How do i tell them that i want to cry?
How do i tell them that i want to scream my lungs out?
How do i stop the emotions that i've pushed down for years to not reveal themselves?
How do i keep myself stable in an unstable family that has an egotistic mother that doesn't notice that what she says impacts me making me feel i that could dissapoint with a small wrong move, a short tempered older sister which makes me her servant, an almost blind older brother that makes me feel like a stupid bitch that doesn't know anything.
And worst of all, a shit eating father
That fucks other women that's a lot younger than him, steals cars and motorcycles at work as if they're 1 dollar bills, that is the one that gambled a house contract that MY MOTHER OWNS, AND THE SLOB THAT MAKES THIS WHOLE FAMILY THE WAY IT IS. My mother said, "the youngest child gets the karma of their parents" but why? Why did it have to be me? Why of all people had to be me? what did i do to deserve this damned thing that's what i call my family? Why did i have to be born into this life? Couldn't there be another soul that could've took this life instead of me? The force me to do lessons i never agreed to learn, piano, ballet it's just too much. My body feels sore everytime a ballet session is over, my heart drops every minute that has to come when i'm forced to go to piano, AND FOR WHAT? TO MAKE THEM HAPPY? TO SUSTAIN THEIR NEEDS AND PUT ALL THEIR TROUBLES ON ME? I'M A KID, I'M NOT BUILT TO DEAL WITH SUCH EXCRUCIATING MENTAL PAIN. NOR AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF BEING RAPED TO THE POINT I'M BRINGING A SHARP OBJECT OUTSIDE IN MY POCKET EVERY DAY. I wish i could just dissapear, die without me knowing, exhale my last breath without me knowing, have a fast death. I want to ball my eyes out without being judged and called "weak", "overly sensitive", an " attention seeker", a "drama queen".
I long for those words from my family, those words that could change my perspective on life, the 10 words that i could never hear from them.
the
"'i am proud of you for being who you are" to be spoken from them.
453 words.
Sunday, October 9, 2022.
YOU ARE READING
rant? vent? what ever.
Randomme crying while writing in this book about how my life is going downhill. This is not a story I rant when I feel like it. I don't have a schedule cause who the fuck would schedule ranting, that just doesn't make any sense.
