rant? vent? what ever.

i don't feel safe...

I don't feel safe talking to them. Whenever i give my own opinion i feel attacked for having a different opinion from them.

Is it because I'm the only girl in the group?

Is it because my taste in games are not the same as them...?

Is it because i don't have as much game knowledge as them?

Is it because I'm the second youngest of the 5 of them?

Is it because i don't like the games they play as much as the others?

Is it because I'm too sensitive?

Is it because i take things too seriously?

Is it because i enforce what i believe is true to them?

Is it because I'm annoying?

Is it because i have not as much time to play  with them?

Is it because i play the victim?
Even then, i know they're a victim too in our frequent arguments but i feel directly attacked...

I feel like i don't belong with them.
I don't feel safe talking to them.
I don't think i should keep talking to them.
I don't feel safe in the group chat.
I don't feel accepted even after we've been friends for 2 years.

I don't feel comfortable when i talk to him.
He always wants everything to go his way.
He always gets everything he wants.
He admin abuses, talks aggressively, always points out the smallest of flaws in our writing, he always contorts logic into his own, turns our words against us, denies all bad things said about him even when it's clearly a joke.

I don't feel safe...
I really don't feel safe talking to him...
I'm scared that I'll say something wrong and he'll snap at me.
I'm scared of ruining our friendship...
I'm scared of giving my honest opinion to every one of them but mostly him.

I feel like I'm holding onto a piece of broken glass that i don't need, but i feel so attached to it and can't let it go. Scared of what may come if i let it go.
Will it ruin my socializing abilities if i let him go?
Will it ruin my mental health if i don't let him go?
Will i feel safe finding new friends whether it's online or real life if i let him go?
Will i regret what i feel after i let hil go?
I always crawl back to him for no reason...
No reason at all... No talking, No confrontations...? Is this normal?

Are we even destined to be friends anymore...?
Is this where our journey of memories and joy together ends...?
I always tried to do good things for them...
I always tried my best to end arguments...

Are we even supposed to be friends all this time...?

I'm scared...
I'm scared of him...
I'm scared of all of them...
I'm scared of my words towards them...
I'm scared of their words towards me...
I'm scared of my different opinions...
I'm scared...
Just... Scared... Fearful... Uncomfortable...

Date written:
Thursday 18:24 October 26th, 2023.

508 words.