Days of the Dead Book 3: The King's Ghost

Chapter 11: Equality Win! Two gay men are kidnapping me!

Kit
When I wake up I'm in the trunk of a car, duct taped, and very very groggy. The trunk is opened, and the eponymous gay men are standing over me having a nice-ass conversation about the sandwiches they are eating and if one should be saved for me.
"You should eat it if you're still hungry."
"But he might be hungry! He hasn't been up in days."
"Gideon, he tried to kill you."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't get hungry Osh."
"I thought I forbid you from being nice to him if we're going to do this."
"You did but that doesn't mean he won't get hungry. And I'm sure he's sorry."
"I don't even think we should be trusting him."
"I know you don't but trust me—look he's probably going to want it he's really skinny."
"I'm going to eat the damn sandwich if you don't—,"
"Hey halfwits! I can hear you," I snarl, finishing eating the duct tape that was over my mouth. Then I remember I can use magic and just break the rest off.
"Oh good, you're awake!" Gideon says, offering a hand to help me out of the trunk. I ignore the offered hand, instead tripping and falling onto the gravel. We're pulled off the road by some field?
"Do we need to stop your magic again? Or can we talk peaceably?" The one with a very thick—I think it's Irish, accent says? He's Gideon's boyfriend that's all I know.
"Who the fuck is St. Patrick?" I ask Gideon, pointing at the other one.
"I literally have no idea who that is," the Irish one says.
"It's—kind of long, happens in the future, for you, like 80% sure you slept through it, we're gonna skip it for now," Gideon says, frowning a little, "Kit, this is Oisin, he's a friend of mine."
"I noticed that when you sucked face," I say, folding my arms, "Give me one good reason I shouldn't annihilate you right now."
"I brought you a sandwich?" Gideon says, very nicely, holding out a sandwich he was clearly about to take a bite out of.
"I said a good reason," I snarl.
"I want to join you."
"Oh, that is good," I say, leaning on the car and nearly falling into the trunk.
"Come here," Oisin says, tugging me away from it so he can close it properly, "How did you get this far?"
"I don't like him, why do we need him? Why do you like him?" I ask Gideon.
"He's my friend, and we're going to skip it, for sake of time," Gideon says.
"No, we fucking aren't. I saw you after he showed up to shoot arrows through me you don't suck lips with 'friends'."
"Actually you do. Friend is highest honor one can bestow. Lovers lose faith and fall out of love. Friends die for each other," Gideon says, pleased with this line of reasoning.
"You need to be more concerned with your own future," Oisin snarls, curling a lip. He is very sexy. Like, he's got white hair which is weird but the cheekbones and the voice and the accent are definitely doing it.
"Well, he shot me twice, that's an issue," I say, to Gideon, pointing at the other one.
"You were trying to kill me," Gideon says, really nicely given the words and order of them in that sentence.
"No, I wasn't I—whatever," I walk away, a little bit, then remember I don't know where I am. "What did you bring me here to kill me or something?"
"No! The opposite, I came here to offer to help you," Gideon says.
"Really?" I frown.
"Yes, King Henry is an enemy of both of us," Oisin says.
"Who?" I ask.
"The guy you were supposed to kill? You know who enslaved you for five years and stole your voice?" Gideon asks.
"Oh, right," I say, quickly. Yeah, I am sort of supposed to do that.
"He's tried to kill us as well, many times," Oisin says.
"And he's colonized our countries," Gideon says.
"Yes, there's no logical reason AT ALL that we would be on his side," Oisin says, leaning against the car, wind tugging his white hair across his sun kissed face. He's very hot okay? It's my duty to make his hotness clear.
"Oh, I thought you were on his side," I say, frowning and pointing at Gideon, "You were like at his house and stuff talking with that hot kid."
"What hot kid?" Gideon asks.
"Blonde curls, kind of had a Cory Haim thing going on? But like more jaw? Like, innocent hot? Scrawny, definitely looked like he gets murdered every passing period but like, still hot —?"
"Prince Henry? That's how you're describing him?" Gideon chokes.
"I don't know—yeah he was one of the people responding to Henry it was confusing," I say, snapping my fingers.
"What are we supposed to be talking about?" Oisin asks, so tired.
"Joining forces, look, we're all wizards, we should work together," Gideon says.
"Yes, back on topic. We all have a grudge against King Henry," Oisin says.
"How is he associated with the small sexy one or is it just the same name?" I ask, raising a hand.
"The prince is his son, but he's not anything to do with it; he hasn't done anything to anyone," Gideon says, quickly.
"Wish he'd do something to me. Maybe he'll forget I nearly killed him by mistake. Anyway," I shrug a little, "Wait, you are saying he's related to the tall one with the bad hair cut and ugly face who kidnapped me?"
"Yes, that's his son," Oisin is sick of me I think.
"Yes, retain that description, it's valid, but for ableism reasons I feel honor bound to tell you that while he may be considered ugly, half his face is like that because of an arrow wound, it's not just like that," Gideon says, slowly.
"Are you sure? I thought it was a phantom-of-the-opera type situation."
"No. That is an injury. He got hurt, it is a scar. While we're here I feel the need to tell you I also was not born like this, this is all scars. I know you met me before it happened but I feel like I should remind you of it," Gideon says, tipping up his dark glasses to show me his eyes as well.
"Oh—yeah I do remember that. Yeah, we talked about this. Okay, are you sure his face isn't just like that?"
"Yes, I'm sure though I'm not sure why it matters so much to you?" Gideon groans.
"I don't know. I spent a lot of time assuming he was just ugly, but if it's a scar that sucks he got an ugly scar and not a sexy one. How did it happen?" I ask.
"Why the feck does it matter?" Oisin breaths. I ignore him.
"He got hit with an arrow while being mean to Welsh people it's really not that significant," Gideon says.
"I mean, it is. That's a sick thing to happen to you is that why he's so mean?" I ask.
"No, he's just like that I assure you that's his personality he's proud of it, um, back to the task at hand," Gideon says.
"Yes, three's a crowd, I vote we dump Paddy," I say, pointing at the Irish kid who starts swearing.
"No," Gideon says, "Now we're offering you our help. Which is very nice of us. We could just go off on our merry way and let you face the greatest warlord England's ever produced on your own."
"Who?" I ask, frowning, "No, I'm just supposed to kill that ugly guy with the bad face."
"Okay, so the point of the arrow story was not to have you call him that because its mean; we mock him as a person in so many other ways about things he chooses. Like choosing genocide. Or what he named his house. Or that haircut," Gideon says.
"What did he name is house?" I ask.
"Focus," Oisin says, slamming a fist down on the car, "He's a murderer, Gid, it does not matter what he calls the OTHER murderer who I DO want dead, King Henry."
"Okay," Gideon pushes his fist in his mouth.
"You're still upset aren't you?" Oisin sighs, heavily.
"Well, it's not nice. We don't mock people based off things they can't help about themselves. It's very basic, and honestly there's lots of other derogatory things we can call the egomaniac colonizer and not call him ugly 'cause that isn't his fault," Gideon says, past his fist.
"I agree with you; however consider briefly if he hadn't been waging war in the first place he wouldn't HAVE the scar?"
"He was a child he didn't have agency in that situation his dad sent him to do it and put him in a crappy position in an infantry battle which neither of them were very good at do you want more or less information about the battle of Shewsberry because I have it?" Gideon asks, bouncing up and down a little.
"Oh sure, more, not now," Oisin looks at me, "So, Kit, what do you say?"
"Um—I'm probably going to keep calling him ugly he super is," I say.
"What do you say about us joining you?" Oisin asks, before Gideon can argue with me.
"Oh. Ah—I'll have to think about that," I say. What are they joining me for again?
"You forgot why we're joining forces, didn't you?" Oisin asks, rubbing his face so resignedly.
"Yes. I mean no. I mean okay yes but we've changed topic five times, and that's like mostly his fault," I say, pointing at Gideon.
"It's your fault! And we. Are offering, to join forces, with you. To kill the narcissistic warlord who is far smarter than you and has tried to kill all of us so it makes perfect sense we'd take your side," Oisin says, tiredly.
"I mean, sure, I've got time. I am supposed to kill that King guy, who's ugly, with the bad haircut? Yeah, I'm supposed to do that, but I can help you with this first," I say, nodding.
Oisin walks away and screams, which I think is an overreaction to be honest. I don't know what he's reacting to, but I still think it's a bit much.
"That's—that's what we're talking about. Kit, that's King Henry, yes we're saying we'll help you kill him, because he's done things to us too, like he's imprisoned my whole family, and he's nearly killed Oisin, just stuff. So we're going to help you," Gideon says, really patiently.
"Oh. I don't think I need help doing that. He's not a wizard or anything. I just haven't gotten around to it," I say, shrugging, "I'm pretty sure I can just stab him."
"Haven't you been supposed to do this for at least six weeks?" Oisin asks, he's come back now and looks closer to needing to be institutionalized.
"Ah—No. well maybe. I haven't kept much track of time. Yeah, I guess," I say, nodding, "But to be perfectly honest I haven't been trying very hard."
"Well, you spent like three weeks chasing the wrong Henry, and you got kidnapped by me. And King Henry has his own sorcerer to protect him," Gideon says.
"Yeah, that's not an issue. Sorcerer's magic can't combat wizard magic unless the sorcerer has a blood bond with whoever they're protecting," I say, finally starting on the sandwich they got me.
"Yeah, they definitely have that," Gideon says, "They've been married for like thirty years and have killed at least seven wizards that I know of."
"Then why haven't I seen her before?" I ask, haughtily.
"He. Remember the really—okay I can't, I'm sorry—really beautiful gorgeous dude with the piercing blue eyes and the worshipful cheekbones who is always two steps behind King Henry? The one you thought was an actual demon because humans don't come that pretty?" Gideon asks.
"Oh my god yes! You're right, that guy is gorgeous—,"
"I know."
"I still don't think he's real—,"
"He's real he's just that pretty—,"
"He's like a designer version of Tom Cruise—,"
"I don't think that Tom Cruise is that hot, but okay."
"What seriously? What kind of gay are you?" I ask, hands on hips.
"Okay, I mean I realize you're at Top Gun Cruise which is better than my version of Cruise which is weird Scientology Cruise, but like, no he's just okay—,"
"Can. WE. FOCUS?" Oisin snarls.
"I'll show you a picture of this guy then you'll agree with me it's fine," Gideon says, patting his arm.
"No, he's going to agree with me because your head is crooked or something. Why are we talking about that demon?" I ask, eating my sandwich.
"Because he's King Henry's sorcerer," Oisin snarls.
"Oh. You said someone was—,"
"Yeah, it was an expression, they've been living and murdering together longer than either of us have been alive it would be romantic if it weren't so disturbing," Gideon says.
"Jesus, is everyone gay?" I laugh.
"Yes, also they don't know they're gay. They skipped the intimacy stage of the relationship and went straight to committing crimes against god," Gideon assures me.
"Sound boring, why are we talking about these bitchy gays?" I ask.
"Because you're supposed to kill one of them," Oisin says, he's nearly shaking.
"Oh. Right. Yeah and you guys said you'd help me. Shouldn't be too bad," I say, nodding. Maybe I can kill the Irish one. Gideon seems to like me more now.
"Well, actually it probably will be. King Henry has an entire line of sorcerers for us to fight," Gideon says.
"Sorcerers don't concern me," I say, licking my fingers.
"Good, well, we'll make sure they don't. We'll take care of them, you just go directly for King Henry. And do your best, like, really , do your best to kill him," Oisin says.
"I'm thinking I'm just going to stab him. Most things die when stabbed in the face," I say.
"He literally has not, that was the point of half of our conversation up till now," Gideon puts in.
"Oh, that's true. But he'll be wearing armor. I'll just collapse a bunch of rocks on him. That tends to kill things," I say, smiling slyly.
"Yeah that, ah does," Gideon says.
I shake out my wrist. I'm weak. I probably need to return to the tomb to get more energy especially if I want to kill the Irish one and kiss Gideon. Forget killing that ugly King. Well, I mean I may it depends on how easy it is.
"Okay, then we'll do this. It's fine," Oisin says, rubbing his face.
"King Henry is at Harlech castle," Gideon says, "We will hit them when they're least prepared. At nightfall."
"Sounds good, I need to rest anyway. What are you two love birds going to do?" I ask, glaring at Oisin a little. I will kill him tonight.
"See if we can find more sorcerers to our cause," Gideon says.
"Cool. I'll meet you there," I say. I don't know where that is. Never mind. I'm sure I'll figure it out while I rest in the tomb. That person who shows up usually tells me where to go. It should be fine.