Savage (SaTzu)

19. Meeting about Rat

TZUYU 

The photos in front of me were scattered all over my desk. Photos of Sana alone, photos of us together, photos of us in my car at my sister's wedding in the parking lot. So many fucking photos of not just us together but of her alone. Walking to her apartment, driving in her car and even some of her inside her apartment. There were hundreds of them. 

Photos that were taken without her consent, photos taken by some fucking asshole. I had gotten the file sent to me early in the morning from someone anonymous with no return address. I didn't understand why they were sent to me. There wasn't a threatening note or even a ransom letter. I knew it was a bad sign and knowing someone was following Sana and taking photos of her made me livid with anger. 

No amount of cigarettes aided in helping me calm down. I was shaking and I felt an emotion I was no longer accustomed to fear. I was afraid that something would happen to her that someone would get to her. I had doubled her security while I tried to figure out two things. Who the fuck sent the photos and who the fuck took the photos? 

If I had a rat in my circle, I had to flush him out and then I would figure out who was after my woman. It was just a loose photo album of the woman whose heart I ripped out of her chest a month ago. One whole month. That's the last time I saw her. I told myself I didn't deserve her. 

After what happened that night, after what I said and did there was nothing I could do to ever gain back her trust. I haven't contacted her or seen her since that night. So, I stayed away. 

No, you didn't. 

Well, I tried but I fucking couldn't. I had eyes on her wherever she went and knew exactly what she was doing where she was going and who she was meeting up with. She hasn't shown up to the job I got her since our fight and she hasn't gone back to the club. She was working as a secretary for some office management job in downtown Seoul. It didn't make the same amount of money she used to make with me but it's not like she ever cared about the money. 

She was still paying for her brother's tuition and her father's medical and his home nurse bills while still paying for her rent and utilities. 

She cared about you. She didn't mind the darkness that you wore as an armor around your heart. And of all the things you could have done, you broke her heart. 

She did care so much about me but I fucked it up. I fucked with her head and heart. I couldn't go back in time and change it but fuck if I could. I would hold her in my arms and never let her go. I would stay by her feet as I begged for her forgiveness. I would kiss her all over and memorize the softness of her skin and the curves of her body. I would cling to her and tell her that I was a fool, an arrogant fool who needed her back in my life. 

I was also a coward because I knew deep down she was right. I still had so much ongoing turmoil about Mina and her passing and I needed to process it. I needed to clear my mind and my guilty conscience of what happened to my late wife before I could emotionally move on and be with Sana. I had gone to Mina's grave this past week where I spent a few hours speaking to her and pretending that she could hear me. 

I stopped seeing my late wife in my dreams, every dream I've ever had with Mina was replaced with Sana. It was the same reoccurring nightmare I used to have when Mina was kidnapped. I tried to feel guilty but my mind wouldn't allow it. The only guilt I felt was for how I treated Mina, how we ended things, how I spoke to her, and how I let her walk away without chasing after her. 

I dreamt of Mina and each time it would end in blood. Her blood. I could feel it soaking through my clothes and I'd wake up terrified, my hands reaching out for someone that wasn't there. It always felt so real. Each time was even more bloody and terrifying than the last. I could hear her screams, her begging me to come and save her. I couldn't for the life of me reach her. She was always too far away, or I was always too late. It felt like a punishment. One I deserved for what I put her through.