Savage (SaTzu)

34. Domestic Desire

TZUYU 

"Here, Hayat drink this" I murmured as I held the glass of water to her mouth. I helped her drink then set it down by her bedside table where I had some painkillers placed for tomorrow morning. I knew she'd wake up with a pounding headache from all that she drank today. She was quiet the rest of the way home and as if remembering why she was crying, she cried once we got home. 

I didn't ask her why. One because she was too drunk and two because I wanted us to have a sober conversation.

I helped her out of her clothes and into her pyjamas. I washed her face, wiped off her makeup for her, and even brushed out her hair before carrying her into the bed. I enjoyed taking care of Sana like this. It wasn't an urge but a domestic desire to take care of her while she was drunk or sick. A responsibility almost that I only deemed myself fit for. Drunk or sober, I enjoyed being around Sana. 

Whether we were lounging around watching television or when we shared a cup of coffee in the backyard together early in the morning. I enjoyed every moment we shared and every memory we created together over the past few months we've been together. The more time we spent together, the more I grew attached to Sana. At first, it was a routine and then it took a while to get accustomed to each other, but now. I couldn't imagine living a single second on this Earth without Sana. 

I lived for the mornings we got ready together, where we brushed our teeth and she'd flash me her teeth once they were clean. Or whenever she helped me comb my hair and how she'd kiss my lips every time. She'd giggle each time before finishing her kisses and then asking if I want more kisses. Of course I did. I am totally addicted to her. 

"Thank you." She whispered "Are you going to lie down with me?" 

"Yeah, I am." 

"Are you going to hold me in your arms?" She asked, her eyes shining while doing so. I couldn't help but smile at her request. As if she had to ask me. All I wanted in this world was to hold her in my arms until my arms themselves withered away. 

"Of course, Hayat." 

I saw her bottom lip tremble and a tear fell down her cheek. My smile vanished, and I looked at her with wide eyes at the sudden change in emotion. 

"Are you ever going to tell me you love me?" 

Shit. 

Drunk Sana was too vulnerable. Too sensitive. It was like alcohol unlocked a whole other different character. Drunk Sana had her inhibitions stripped away and her insecurities on high alert. Sober Sana didn't give a shit, and she never pushed or asked questions like this. Drunk Sana cried a lot and asked personal questions that made me want to tear my heart out of my chest and just offer it to her on a silver platter. 

I don't think I even had an answer. I just stared at her while she stared at me, waiting for an answer that she knew deep down would never come. I swallowed thickly at the emotion those dark ocean blue eyes gave me and leaned to wipe her tear off her cheek. 

"I..." I couldn't even form a fucking sentence. 

She moved her cheek away and my hand dropped from her face.

"Let's just go to sleep." I watched her crawl under the covers and pull them over her body. Sana never went to sleep before telling me good night and I waited anxiously for those words to come out of her.

"Good night, Sana" 

"Good night, Sana." 

Would she remember this tomorrow? Would she bring it up? Would she forget it all but leave me with the fact that she craved to hear those words from me? Those three fucking words that I heard from her every day were strong enough to bring me back to life. They brought me peace and sanity. Selfish. I was being an asshole. A fucking selfish asshole. 

They were just three words. They shouldn't be that hard to say. Yet they were. Each word was heavier than the last and to admit it to Sana was to admit that I had fallen in love with another woman. After everything we had gone through, after everything I put her through, didn't she deserve to have her feelings reciprocated? Didn't she deserve my admission? What I felt for Sana felt stronger than those three words. It felt more substantial than every single word known to the human race. What I felt for Sana was something out of this fucking world. 

As if the words themselves were still lost in the universe and still haven't come down to Earth. Sana lived solely inside of me. I could feel her with every breath I inhaled from my lungs and with every pulse of my heart. Every atom of Sana's being, soul, heart and mind belonged to me and had found purchase in my being. I breathed her, lived for her, would die and kill for her. Over and over again. 

I'd be with this woman.

The woman that loved the darkness in me as if it was her own. I'd be with her until God himself took my life and even then. I would pine for her in the afterlife and crawl my way out of Hell itself to be with her.  I was running, running as fast as I could. I could feel my heart hammering inside of my chest. Feel the blood pulsing and running through my veins. Feel the sweat dripping down my neck and back. Keep running, the voice whispered, keep running. You have to find her; the voice was chilling, and I pushed myself to run even faster than I was. 

My feet were hitting the ground with an echoing thud in the forest. The forest around me evaporated and all I could see was a black nothing. I stopped running and my heart was still aching inside of my chest. 

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. 

Then two women appeared in front of me on either side of the nothingness that I stood in.

Mina was on one side, on her knees with her wrists bound behind her back. Sana was on the other side in the same position. They were both crying, shouting out for help. 

"Tzuyu, please. Help me, please!" 

"Tzuyu, help me. Please, I need you." 

I could feel my very soul being ripped right in half as I stared between the two women. I felt frozen in place as they continued to call out for me, tears falling down their faces. I looked over at Mina and felt my heart wrench and gut inside me at the sight of her calling out for me and my hands twitched at my sides, wanting to save her. I couldn't save both. Suddenly the floor beneath us began to shake, and then a shout ripped out of them as they began to sink into the floor-inch by inch. 

"No!" I shouted. My eyes found their way to Sana who was sobbing as she begged me to pick her, save her and love her. The pain I felt while looking at her was equivalent to being kissing death itself; I felt like I was going to die if I were to lose her. A life where Sana didn't exist was Hell and I would look for her in every lifetime, in every existence because I needed her more than she needed me. I couldn't imagine breathing without her. 

I took a step towards her and found it heavy to move. I pushed through, and with every step I took, it felt lighter and lighter until I finally reached her. Once I put my hands on Sana, she was immediately brought back to the surface. I undid the rope, and she jumped into my arms to hold me. I turned to see if I could still make it to Mina, just in time to see her being pulled down below the surface.

"No! Mina!" I cried out. 

I jolted up, sweat clinging to my skin like a second layer, and my heart racing in my chest. I turned to see that Sana was still asleep and I was grateful that I didn't wake her. The dreams I had from when I first met Sana were back. 

I knew it was because I needed to make a choice. I needed to choose. I needed to stop torturing myself and stringing along Sana. She deserved closure from the grief I put her through and she deserved to own me. All of me. 

Sana gave herself to me without a single doubt, yet I was still offering her up little pieces of me every now and then, hoping it'd keep her satisfied. 

I washed up and crawled back into bed with her, my hands going around her waist as I pulled her flush to my chest. I kissed the back of her shoulder and let out a shaky breath as I tried to calm the erratic beat of my heart so that I could fall asleep.

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The End of This Chapter.

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