Frayed Knot | Heejin + Hyunjin

The sun is shining awfully bright today.

I don't think I should be out here. It's hot and humid. But my mother will ask too many questions if I go back the moment I step outside. I just have to sit. No talking needed. Right?

Beside me is an old friend. Jeon Heejin. I have known her since we were just seven years of age. She became my only friend and had been so for the next ten years of my life.

But things are different now.

I barely know her anymore. She had become a stranger. A familiar face I see around town. A figure I pass by often. A good neighbour in the area. That's all she is now; someone in the crowd.

"Been a while, huh."

My initial thought of remaining voiceless goes down the drain when Heejin speaks. I can see her, in my peripheral vision, glancing at me. But instead of returning it, I stare at the empty driveway. "Obviously, yeah," I mumble.

There were . . . complications. Between Heejin and I.

We never saw the importance of keeping close contact with each other. Oftentimes we text once or twice, but never beyond that. We had agreed that the time we'd spent together was enough for us. Anything involving communicating through modern technology was off the table.

We never really opened up to each other. She knew me, I knew her. That was it. We didn't do things best friends do because we never were best friends. We hung around each other and only thought of it as nothing.

We never felt the need to express gratitude to each other. The only form of gratitude we have expressed was a simple thanks. Nothing more, nothing less. It's a good thing because I was never great at expressing my feelings.

This is going to sound selfish but I'm kind of glad we drifted.

A hum makes it past my barrier. Heejin exhales, "We never told our parents about it. Do you think they know?"

"They're our parents. They know everything without us having to say it." I say. Well, that's not entirely true but it's not completely wrong as well. Hell, my parents definitely know everything. They probably even know that I'd kissed a boy I didn't know in kindergarten, too.

Heejin was the only other person who put up with my stupid little shenanigans. I was a weird kid. Okay, well, maybe I still am but that's besides the point. Heejin knew exactly what to do in every weird situation I had ever put her in. We just clicked like that.

Friend-Heejin was the best thing I could've asked for at that age. The perfect friend for someone like me during school years. The perfect partner in crime for all my imaginary crimes I'd committed. The best one ever.

Stranger-Heejin is the best thing I could ask for today. The perfect neighbour to just smile at and move along. The perfect person to greet good morning on my daily walks. The perfect stranger to ignore.

"Do you hate me?"

My breath hitches. I freeze. Why would she ask such a question? I finally tear my gaze from the pavement and turn to look at her. She wears a luminous grin on her face, blinding me by reflecting the sunlight with her pearly white teeth. And without thinking, I go, "Would you hate me if I said I do?"

She laughs. "Kinda, yeah."

I feel a slight flutter in my chest. It's been a while since I've heard her laughter. It feels refreshing to hear when I've been intentionally avoiding her for so long. "Then no."

I hope Heejin still knows me. That I don't hold grudges. That I can be sarcastic at times. That I'm not always unserious. Sometimes, it's hard to be serious when all people have seen of you is always the playful side. But with Heejin, I know I can let my guard down.

"I'm glad, then." Heejin heaves a heavy sigh. She leans back into the bench, pursing her lips together.

I turn away. "Something's bothering you," I deadpan.

She laughs again. But she doesn't say anything this time. She keeps her sight on her front instead. I can feel it; her anxiousness. She doesn't know that I know what she's about to say.

She's leaving. Leaving the country, of course, to continue her studies.

I remember her saying she would like to visit France one day. She found their language to be fascinating. Oh, and the tourist destinations are heavenly, she once said.

"It's just," she pauses. "I'm leaving soon. I'm scared. It's terrifying to suddenly leave my hometown and live in another country that isn't mine. I don't want to leave. Not yet, anyway."

I remain silent for a bit, thinking of words to say. I was never good at giving out advice or saying encouraging words, anyway. It's always been Heejin's job to do that. "I thought you were going to say you're scared because the language is intimidating."

Heejin chortles. "That, too."

It takes me a couple seconds to gather all my thoughts and read them out, one by one. But it gets there eventually. "There's nothing to worry about. Think of it as a vacation. Go out, live life and explore while you still have the time. But, obviously, don't forget about your studies. It's going to take a while to adjust to everything but you'll adapt. Trust me."

"You sure?" Heejin asks, her voice wavering slightly.

I nod as firmly as I can. "It's normal. Everyone goes through this at least once in their entire lives."

All of a sudden, Heejin giggles. It takes me by surprise, startling me. "You're so mature now."

I smile at that. A compliment I rarely ever get to hear. It makes me feel proud but also embarrassed. Does that even make sense? "Saying that when you're the one who'll be travelling across the world on your own."

I cast a glance to my side. Heejin is looking down at her lap, the blinding grin still on her face. It's new to me; this behaviour of hers. I've never seen her acting like this. It's proof we had grown apart, isn't it? Proof that we really grew up.

"Can you be the one to see me off?" Heejin asks. "Boarding the plane, I mean. I feel like I'd cry if my mom is the one who drops me off."

My heart rate increases, at the very least. 

I chuckle, "If it worries you that much, sure."

This is nice. Friendship is nice.