Self Image

I want to preface this by saying that I love my mother deeply.

It cannot have been easy to be a black single mother, but she's always tried her best to give me a comfortable life. She provided for me to the best of her abilities and shielded me from the worst aspects of poverty, while making sure I still knew what was going on.

When I came out to her she was nothing but supportive. She seamlessly went from calling me her "baby girl" to "her baby boy",  she helped me pick up clothes that fitted me, chose a new name for me at my request, and she even paid what she could for my top surgery.

I realize how lucky I am to have such a supportive mom. Not all of my queer friends have that chance and we've housed a couple of them on occasion...

That being said, I now realize that my mother is also a woman who loves her secrets.

I've started HRT 5 months ago. This is my journal. If anyone has had any of the following side effects from testosterone please. Please. Reach out. We really need to talk.

April 2nd. Day 2 on T
It felt weird to start on April first, so here we are. The first shot yesterday was scary. I'm glad mom helped me through it, but I have to learn to do it alone.
I'm still scared of having messed it up somehow. But it's been hours now and I feel fine.

April 7th. Day 7 on T.
I've never looked at myself in the mirror as much as I do now.
It's exhilarating, looking at my reflection and hunt for the slightest change. Was that hair here yesterday? Has my body fat changed place already? Is my voice lower or is it just in my head?

I already look pretty masculine mind you, mom cut my hair better than any barber, and now that I've yote my tits, my chest is as flat as it's ever going to be.
But still, I want to grow a cool beard or have a squarer jawline.

My friends keep telling me I should lower my expectations, that T isn't going to turn me into René Jean-Page... Well I'm sorry for you and your poor genetic material, but my dad was a hunk ; so if I end up looking anything like him they might as well call me for the next season of Bridgerton right now!
(I'm kidding guys, I love you, please don't kill me in my sleep if you ever read this...)

April 18th Day 18 on T
Wow, bottom growth is no joke!

April 29 Day 29 on T
Hair!
Hair!
On my belly? What the fuck?

May 10th Day 38 on T
Acne? Really?
Once of that shit wasn't enough? Man this second puberty sucks!

July: 2nd Day 63 on T
I take back everything I've said, second puberty is fucking awesome!

I've been hitting the gym since I was a teen and I've never *ever* seen gains like that! My muscles are inflating like balloons after the slightest bit of exercise it's insane!
Also, my shoulders are so much broader now?! Like, holy hell, call me freaking Michael Phelps!

I may or may not have taken and sent a few dozen thirst traps to my group of friends... But honestly, I'm not going to have a body like that and not take pictures of it. Acne be damned!
I mean, it's not like anyone's gonna look at my face when I carry *these guns*!

And Lo, the NB cutie from our queer GC, loves the pictures, so you can bet it's only the beginning of my reign of terror!

July 4th, Day 65 on T.
I'm having some killer headaches lately.
Nothing to do with my T as the internet, my friends and my doctor assured me. I might need to watch out for iron deficiency though...

July 7th, Day 68 on T
So... My wisdom teeth just grew through. Which is weird, 'cause I had them removed in my senior year of high school.

I've looked it up and apparently it's a thing that can happen. It's not the original wisdom teeth growing but another set called "supernumerary teeth". It's rare, but not completely unheard of.