How The Cookie Crumbles

Watch Me Burn

a·ro·man·tic[ˌārōˈman(t)ik]

ADJECTIVE

having no interest in or desire for romantic relationships:

(from Google, check my comment)

I've spent a lot of time mulling over my so-called crushes. Even looking back on when I liked Adam, I rationalized that he was my only "real" crush.

Now I know that that was just me holding onto hope.

I thought about everything I'd been feeling.

I decided I was partially aromantic. On the spectrum but not fully because I still like Adam.

It felt...comforting in a way, to have a way to express my feelings. I'd never been like the people around me when it came to crushes. I never really wanted to act on these so-called feelings except in over-romanticized scenarios I daydreamed about.

I did a lot of research. I watched videos and listened to songs, I read so many articles the words blended together in my head. And it was scary how much I related. I wanted to curl up into a ball and never get up. I wanted to cry and throw up all at once. I felt stupid, a feeling I was getting used to.

I tried my best to distract myself, but my mind kept returning to the question, do I like Adam?

I'm nervous around him, he makes me smile, and when he compliments me, I can't think.

Do I like Adam?

The idea of holding his and kissing him weirds me out. 

Do I like Adam?

I have no idea.

I loved the dress I wore to the dance. it was long and flowy with long sleeves and flowers etched into the sage green fabric. It made me like my body in pictures and want to take a billion. I braided two strands of my hair back into the rest, which was left down, and my mom gave me a crown of fake braided flowers and leaves. Working on my appearance kept me from thinking too much, so I remember it perfectly. Down to the white sneakers I wore which surprisingly looked okay after I cleaned them.

For a minute I allowed myself to breathe, forgetting about Adam and Lily.

That night is burned into my mind, the lights, the music, the dancing.

When I walked through the doors my heart stopped as all my worries came rushing back.

I tried to hide in the corner, but Ava found me and invited me to dance with her and Lily who were there together. She wore dark blue pants and a suit jacket over a white shirt. Her long hair of mixed golden and light brown hues was down save for a Dutch braid down the middle of her head.

Allow me to hyper-fixate on outfits while I stall and distract myself from my churning stomach. 

Lily was wearing a powder blue dress that came to her knees and a white shawl that matched her leggings. She had those warm fuzzy boots on that everyone was obsessed with, and the tan looked nice with the blue and white of her outfit. Her hair was tied in a ponytail with her curtain bangs left out.

We laughed and danced and messed around and I momentarily forgot about Adam. At one point we went into the bathroom to get some pictures in the mirror. I still have those pictures.

When we stepped back into the room, I spotted Adam by the punch table. My heart stopped and my vision swam, no escaping now. 

He was wearing a plain black suit with a blue tie and his normally messy hair was combed neatly.