Was It Us After All?

I Don't Hate You

Ye Hua

I finally managed to get away from the Nine Heavens.  My so called grandfather doesn't know I have left and neither does my father.  I have to get away.  I need to see Qian Qian just one last time.  I'm told that our marriage has been dissolved and that she is going to marry Mo Yuan.  My so called twin brother.  I can't figure out if I hate him because he loves Qian Qian or if I hate him because he has taken her away from me.  Do I hate him because he loved her first or do I just hate him because I am jealous of him?  

Haode always threw every accomplishment that Mo Yuan ever achieved in my face as a dare.  I remember it well.  Who knew that I would be competing with my own brother?  Would our Father want us to be like this?  I'm pretty sure he wouldn't, but I can't help but feel that he has taken everything away from me that made me a whole person.  I just want to leave.  I don't want to be crown prince anymore.  I just want to be me, Ye Hua.  A simple man like I was in the mortal realm. 

 I leave and go to Kunlun.  I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I hate it there, but at the same time, I feel like I am at home.  I know that in soul and spirit that I am as old as Mo Yuan.  I know that I lived there as the Golden Lotus for millennia.  I know this.  I suppose that is why I first fell in love with SuSu.  She looked like Si Yin.  It was Si Yin who took care of me and first made me have any interaction with anybody. 

 Why didn't I speak to Mo Yuan?  He said that I was sitting by him helping him recover his spirit.  Why would I do that if I didn't care for him?  Why?  Did my spirit really want to be with him?  Why didn't I just come forth earlier in his life?  He would have raised me.  He would have taught me and he would have been the one to nuture me and love me.  I can see the hurt in his eyes when he sees the hate in mine.

  If only I could talk to our Father.  How I wish it to be.  As far as I'm concerned, there is no one in the Nine Heavens that cares one whit for how I feel.  Not even my so called mother.  She is the one that raised Su Jin.  That heartless viper who wrought so much destruction into my life!  Haode should have let me kill her when I did.  What did he have to save that bitch for?  I hated her.  I suppose you could say that I still do.  I'm just glad that I will never see her again.  I'm sure she would be trying to get back into my life now that Qian Qian has left me. 

 Why does my life have to be worse than any mortal play?  It's nothing short of a tragedy.  I cloak myself at the gates of Kunlun.  I want to just walk around for a while.  I have to admit that the scenery here is breathtaking and the air is fresh and clean.  I walk from one little woods to a valley there.  It is small but I feel a presence there.  As I walk I can feel the dragon there.  It is Mo Yuan.  I can feel his essence and power in my own spirit.  I know that I am not as powerful as he is.  He is an ancient god who has vast knowledge and his combat skills and strength are beyond compare.

  I read all of the stories about him.  I read how he killed the demon queen, how he fought for the realms to keep the peace, how our father forced him to take a vow of celibacy to keep that peace.  I'm sure his own death to the bell broke those vows.  If I was to think about it, he deserves a decent life.  His whole life was given so that we could have peace.  His whole life.  If I was a real man, I could take his place.  I could give him the life he deserves.  He deserves to be free and at peace.  He deserves to have the woman he loves by his side. 

 As I get closer, I can see the dragon there.  He is mating.  HE IS MATING!!  OH NO!!  HE IS MATING QIAN QIAN!!  I can't let him have her!  I'm not ready to let her go!  I have to stop him.  I have to.  They are almost finished now.  I know now in my heart that Qian Qian was never mine.  Ever.  I forced her. I forced her because Haode was adamant that we have the alliance with Qing Qui.  He wanted what he could get and I was a fool to play into it. I was a fool and I forced her.  It was, after all, her trial and I should have let her go.  I would have never known her if I hadn't seen her at the Eastern Sea.  How cruel is Fate!  So cruel.  I must try to stop them.  I must.  I can't let him have her!