Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 10 - Resolute Heart

II. The Lost Aihara

         The week of my birthday, I discovered something I had never expected. Ever since Maruta first came to the manor and introduced herself to Grandfather, my relationship with him had begun to shift. I continued to openly wear my ring around the house and spent my time with Maruta and even Haji over the phone so that he was kept in the loop, but day by day it became colder between Grandfather and myself. I stopped talking to him unless absolutely necessary, and made a point to leave the house earlier and eating breakfast with Maya and Tomo.
            After school I would be in my room either with Maruta as she gave me bruises and scratches before then discussing any news she had discovered on Yuzu, or reading any sapphic book I could get a hold of. I ate in my room whenever I had to, and didn't engage with even his attendants unless I was unable to avoid it. The effect was noticeable in Grandfather's demeanour. He grew quieter and less volatile when he was around me. If anything he seemed sadder as time went on. More and more I noticed times when he looked my way but was seeing someone else instead of me. It was eerie and just pushed me further and further away.
         A sad side effect of being away from Yuzu was that now it was impossible for me to sleep well without her there to hold me. To help make sleep unavoidable, I had started to wander the halls and rooms that were available to me. That was how I happened upon it. One night as I walked near my grandfather's rooms, I heard the sound of someone sobbing. It was an unsettling sound to hear in the dead of the night. I looked around for any hint of where the sound was coming from. There was a little light peeking through the gape between the door and the floorboards from the direction that the sobbing was the loudest. I carefully moved closer. I didn't want to let whoever was crying know that I was there. Luckily there were no creaky old floorboards. I got right next to the door and turned my ear to listen in. Other than the sounds of sobbing, all I could hear was my own heart rapidly beating and my shallow breathing.
         I dared to push things just a little further and carefully reached for the door. It wasn't locked. I let out my held breath as I realised that it was unwise for someone with failing health to have their door locked and make it more difficult for the medical professionals to get in. I slowly pulled open the door enough for me to peek inside, and that's when my whole understanding of the world I grew up in was turned upside down. There on the floor in front of a small shrine was my grandfather. He was sobbing and bent over as though in the middle of an apology.
         Two pictures rested on the shrine. One was a familiar image. There were a number of pictures of Grandfather as a younger man with the woman in that picture. I had heard growing up that she had died in childbirth along with the baby. Seeing her picture in a shrine wasn't surprising. It was the other picture that froze my blood and made me shiver despite my iced over heart. The person in the picture was me, but it was as though it was from the future. I— the apparent me being inshrined— was noticeably a few years older than I was now, and I was smiling in a way that felt impossible.
           As I looked at the impossible picture, I remembered things I had barely paid attention to. I remembered Grandfather's words and the way he looked at me without seeing me. Suddenly I knew that it wasn't an impossible picture. This was the person he saw. This was who I resembled to the people who always stopped before saying a name around my grandfather. The woman who gave birth to me was not this girl. I had never seen any pictures of her around the house or heard mention of her except in those moments where people actively stopped themselves from talking about her. Whoever this girl was, she was nothing like me except in her physical features. That smile and the way she posed for the picture reminded me strongly of the one person I wanted to see.
Yuzu... would this be what our daughter looks like if we could have one?
       "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
       Grandfather's voice was nothing stronger than a shaky whimpering, but in the silent house I could hear it clearly. It was already surprising to hear him talk like that, but what he said next tripled that feeling.
        "I didn't see until it was too late. Maybe if I had, I could have changed things. I failed you and your brother. It was my job as a father to protect you and I failed.  Every day she reminds me of you. She's my second chance. I won't fail again. I can't fail again. I miss your smile still. I'm so sorry I didn't hold you closer."
        He returned to sobbing wordlessly. I watched for a few more minutes and then shut the door. I almost ran for my room and locked my door behind me. Once I was safe and alone, I went over to where I kept my pictures of Yuzu and pulled out one of her smiling. I wasn't there in the photo but I stood behind the camera and she was looking at me when she gave that heart-melting smile. Just looking at it made me hurt more then it hurt on that day, but it also felt like she was here in this picture. I clung to that connection as I whispered my confusion.
         "Who is she?! There was a girl who looked like me but smiled like you do. My father had a sister he never talked about and she smiled like you. How?! How could such a person exist in this house? What was she like? Was she like me under that smile? Was she like you, Yuzu? Grandfather thinks I'm his second chance, but what happened to her that he thinks that? I have to know. Just whose shadow am I actually living in?"
         I sank into my bed and held the picture close to my heart, but unfortunately it didn't give off her warmth. Even so, I needed her closer to me. If she couldn't be here then I would be content with a picture of her. Once I closed my eyes however, all I could see was Yuzu laughing and holding hands with the girl who looked like me but isn't.