Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 10 - Resolute Heart

I. Princess of Ice

I stared at my breakfast as though it didn't exist. It had only been just over a year since I last felt this numb, but now I knew what warmth there could be. So now that frozen feeling brought a sense of pain and despair deep within my heart. It hurt to be awake, but it hurt worse to try to sleep. I was too accustomed to her holding me. Too used to her face being there for me to touch and kiss. Now that she was gone, I only felt a sharp longing and a dull pain followed by deep sadness. Everything else was numb and bland.
"I had expected that once you were away from the corrupting influences, you might return to your senses."
Grandfather's grated at me from further down the table, and yet I didn't take my eyes off the plate in front of me. It didn't matter if I responded. He was going to continue no matter what I did.
"My sources tell me that woman has been seen in some questionable company and likes to visit the worst of the entertainment and relaxation districts."
You're having them watched now?!
"You're better off with people closer to your actual family and status."
They are my family, and it was while I was under your care that I was in the most danger. Are you really that scared of me being a lesbian?
"And that girl you claim to love hasn't even changed her typical behaviour since you left."
Time froze for me as soon as he mentioned Yuzu. He didn't have to say her name for me to know that he was talking about her.
"If she really cared she would put in effort to see you. It's time to grow out of this phase. Give up on—"
I let out a dismal sigh and rose from the table with my breakfast untouched. I was tired of hearing the same dull speech every morning since I arrived. I still had things to do before heading to the school. I no longer cared what he had to say as he gloated at his assumed victory. Nothing mattered in my isolation. As I walked away, my grandfather cleared his throat.
"Mei... enough of this fool—"
His voice was stopped by the closing of the door behind me. I walked to the washroom that sat the closest to my bedroom and locked the door. Once I was alone I stripped down to my underwear. The bruises and cuts from when Matsuri attacked had long since healed, but in their place I had new marks. A part of me longed for it to be Yuzu giving me marks like she had before. Another thought that I needed to be hurt for the pain I caused Matsuri. It was also the only thing that felt real since that day. I stared at my own handiwork and counted the actual cut marks. It was a calendar on my body. I didn't care what the actual date was. I cared about how long it was since I last felt Yuzu touch me. We were entering the second month since I was taken.
I let out a deep sigh and got to work refreshing the other less important marks. I was careful to make sure the marks would all be hidden by my clothes. The cut calendar especially. Those marks were kept under the layers of my skirt and blouse and vest so that no one would see them. The only person who might was Yuzu, and if she was around to be looking under my skirt, then I would have no longer any need to keep the calendar. Once I was finished with all the bruises and scratches, I carefully used a sharp edge to add a new mark for the calendar. I carefully bandaged it so that it wouldn't get infected or bleed through my clothes. The old marks were starting to fade and so I made a mental note to write down the number so that I could make sure to change to the symbols for it when those marks were gone.
After I was sure it wouldn't bleed through, I took a moment and slipped my ring off my left ring finger and onto its chain. I then kissed it for a minute before I clasped it to hang around my neck. It was just a little bit of unspoken defiance that I could flaunt in front of Grandfather because I refused to get anywhere close to the man since I was brought to the house. I even made a point of only unpacking the bare minimum of what I needed and included the pictures from our wedding dress photoshoot so that he would know that I was hers even if we didn't get actually married. With the ring in place, I got dressed again and made sure it didn't look like I had done anything to myself. It was a school day and I didn't want anyone there to suspect anything was wrong. Only Yuzu and our friends would know that something had happened, and even that wasn't something I was clear on who all was aware or how much they all knew. Suzuran was trapped in her own family affairs and whatever else was going to occur with the strange rekindled ties to Maruta. So she didn't really interact with any of us during school. It was highly unlikely that my marks would be seen by anyone.
Instead of heading out right away, I stopped by my room and stared at the picture of Yuzu in the wedding dress. Mother had mailed me a set of the photos shortly after I had arrived. Seeing them just increased the pain and sadness deep within me, but that was fine. It was something and it was tied to Yuzu. I kissed her face on the solo picture of her before I set it next to the others, and grabbed the keys to the chairman's office. I stared down at the picture and felt my legs buckle and tears well up to sting my eyes. It was only times like this when I couldn't hold it back. I crumpled before the pictures.
"I'm sorry, Yuzu. I didn't tell you so many things. Now that we're apart, I realise just how impulsive I was in action and desire without telling you a single thing that really mattered. I love you so much. I hope you come after me soon. I need you. Naruka was right. This is unbearable! I can't sleep without you. Food is bland, and school feels meaningless. So please, don't believe that I left you. Don't blindly accept that there's nothing you can do. Chase me again. Just once more."
With what little time I had left before I needed to leave, I gave into my sorrow.