How The Silence Mocks Me

The Beginning

"Come on Tilly we can't be late! They are going to expect us to be there early since I'll be there and all."
I huffed, mum was getting on my nerves at this point, blabbering on about not being late to the beauty pageant. I mean I get that she didn't want to be late but the only reason she wants to go early is so that she can rub in all the other mum's faces that she won the grand title when she was my age and that I 'will follow in her footsteps'.

I always roll my eyes when she says stuff like "Oh yes, I only won grand nationals when I was 13."
Because that wasn't a big deal. All I've ever wanted to do was to reach the grand nationals and become Miss World and make my mum proud for once.

Realising I had zoned out, I picked up my costume and my bag and rushed down the grey carpeted stairs to find my mum stood in front of the mirror, touching up her lipstick.
"Why are you dressing up? It's not like your performing." I scoffed, taking a red apple for the car ride.
"I still need to look my best for the judges." I rolled my eyes.

Not once did she look away from the mirror while talking. I've never seen anyone so mesmerised by their own reflection. I mean she had every right, with her gorgeous blonde-dyed hair and her perfectly shaped face and the plumpest lips. Of course none of this was natural but she was still pretty. I kept on telling her when she decided to get it done that she didn't need it and she was beautiful without it, but she insisted. Claiming it would be 'for the best' and 'the judges don't want to see some old, wrinkly woman' even though she was only 36.

"Come on mum, you were the one saying I was going to make us late now your holding us up!"
"Patience Tilly, you cannot rush perfection." She hushed me so I just sat on the sofa, making sure not to lean back and spoil my hair.

It wasn't always just me and mum. I don't know my dad, she says that he left a couple months after she'd given birth to me, saying that she wasn't attractive anymore and that she was too fat and needed to lose some weight. After that, mum went into a stage of depression so my grandma and grandad had to look after me until she was ready to take me back. It was in that period of time when she got back into pageants, as she stopped after she found out she was pregnant with me.

I'd like to say that mum wanted me back, that she was ready to look after me again, that she missed me. But that's far from the truth. Grandad died of a stroke when I was 3 leaving grandma to look after me. She was the best, we did everything together and she made sure I was always happy, making me her priority.
I was only 5 when she died. I remember it like it was yesterday; She was sat in the porch on her rocking chair as I was playing in the front garden in the grass, it was a really sunny day, the birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing when suddenly I saw a little ladybug on a leaf. I was so excited to show grandma, I ran up to her,nearly tripping over myself, with a ladybug tucked safely in my hands. Nudging her, I tried to get her to wake up, as she always went to sleep on her chair. It seemed she was in a deep sleep as she wasn't waking up like she normally would. So I put the ladybug down and shook her arm, gently saying her name, trying to wake her up from her slumber. My efforts did not succeed so I started shouting her name, scared that she was asleep for ever. The postman, who came round every Saturday, noticed how panicked I sounded as he was walking by and asked me what was wrong. With tears in my eyes, I replied;
"Help me please! Please! She's not waking up! You need to wake her up!"
The postman who seemed panicked as-well rushed to her side, gently shaking her, and putting his hand on her neck. I remember him saying something to himself but not quite hearing it, he then took me inside and called someone, I suppose it was the ambulance, then put me down to sleep on the couch saying that grandmas going to be ok, and that he was here to make sure of it. Everything after that was a haze but obviously I had no where else to go except my mum.

She had never reached out to me while I was living with my grandparents at all, even when grandad died. Never sent me birthday cards or Christmas presents or anything. So I presumed that she didn't really want me back.
I remember her arguing about me with a paramedic after she got called to take me home. That was the first time I had seen her in the flesh and not in photographs, and she had the decency to start arguing about me when I had just witnessed my grandma die. As soon as I was old enough, she immediately enrolled me in serval beauty pageants, throwing me in the deep end. But with her looks, I never failed at winning, which was the sad part.

Sometimes, I wished I was the ugliest girl alive just so my mother would give up. But with my luck she probably would've lied about my age and just gotten me plastic surgery.

It crushes my heart every time when I remind myself that if my grandma was still alive, I wouldn't be in this situation; Running round, chasing my mothers dreams. Pretending to be someone I'm not. I'd be with somebody who actually cared for me, someone that actually wanted me around.
Not a woman that forgot my birthday or never spent time with me outside of beauty pageants or never takes me out for nice meals and 'forgets' to attended school plays. No, my mum doesn't want me around. As soon as I reach Miss World, she'll discard me, forget I'm there. That's her only goal in life, is to make me live her fantasy whether I like it or not.

"Are you ready to go now Tilly?"
The voice of my so called mother snapped me out of my rant.
"Yes, I'm ready... mum"