I wonder how it feels to be free from your past. How does your life go without carrying the pain and trauma that someone has caused you?
Did my suffering not wash away those worries about what if I gave my trust and got betrayed again? The agony and the pain that they caused were unbearable, and the happy memories will immediately fade away when they do wrong to you. As much as I want to weigh their positive effect on my life, the damage that they have caused is so severe that I can't even imagine myself being in that situation again.
"Kara, let's have some fun with our friends; you're always alone. Don't you miss us? Let's hang out."
Hearing her voice made me want to lock myself up in my room while looking at the ceiling and crying all night. Am I being too much? I want to move on, but I can't.
My friends? I can't even name them as my best friends. They betrayed me. I know it's too immature, but they let me feel that I didn't belong in their group, like I was just a newbie trying to catch up with them. Until one day, I realised I was drained.
I always give them my attention and time, spending too much money just to make them happy and to be their favourite person because I'm sick of being an option. But still not enough because they'd love the transferee more than me. Yes, I'm jealous, but remembering how they invalidated my feelings and considered that immaturity and not important, sobrang sakit.
"I just want to be alone; please give me a little time to heal myself," I replied, and she just nodded and walked away. I smiled bitterly as I stared at my back and watched my friends laugh while talking about something. The world will revolve even without me.
I looked outside the window and spent my time recalling those breakdowns and panic attacks that I fought alone. I don't want to have friends with them or befriend them again. All I want is to be healed and see myself again happy without the fake smile that I always wear.
So... how does it feel to be free from the past that you have always tried to escape?
