Officer and Nobility

Chapter 12. Saphire POV

„What the hell did I just do?" I almost had sex with him. What is wrong with me, I never acted like this. It must be from the sleep. I still don't feel like myself, I need coffee in the morning to function properly and he blindsided me. I had no time to react. He seduced me with his body, and the warmth radiating off of him, lulling me to sleep. But I can't blame him fully, last night was perfect and it was the happiest one in a long time. I couldn't even force myself to move away into the bedroom. I didn't even have nightmares, I didn't even dream of my parents. Why did I not?

All I know is that I now have all of these feelings that I don't want to have but can't make myself to push them away. How can someone so irritating be so charming and handsome? And why the hell did he stay the night. My offer was just out of respect, as a sort of a thank you for the date, but he had to accept it. Tell me, what is it that you're really this stressed about? You like him, you can admit that much to yourself, so what is the problem with spending more time with him. The problem is that we are moving too fast and I don't know if I can trust him enough to share my whole life with him, to let him see me. And then as if last night was not enough I had to go on and play this game of our, testing its limits. I can't blame him for that either, when I was fully keen on dropping my panties and letting him have his way with me.

But the way he touched me, the way he smacked my ass like it was his to own... I liked it, I want to do it again, and he said to be ready for tonight. What are the chances he actually shows up tonight again? You know, you had this discussion the last time, and you ended up being wrong.

You do have a point, but still I won't dress up. I will not be the woman that gets her hopes up over a man just to have them crushed when he dips his dick in some other girl. It is always better to be surprised than disappointed. That doesn't change the fact that you want him. As a lover, as your man, as everything he's willing to offer.

You're right, it doesn't. But if he can't show me that I can trust him, we have no business dreaming up a future that will never happen.

Look at me, I'm awake at 7 am, discussing him with my stupid subconscious, no offense. None taken, you're really insulting yourself, not me. Oh shut up, I should be sleeping, and waking up at a decent hour, without his images planted in my head. And that is exactly what I will do.

„I am going to bed, before he shows up again and makes me crazy with lust. God I wasn't this horny in years. Who is he?" I was still talking to myself while walking to my bedroom. His clothes sat there at the foot of the bed where I left them. It drove me even crazier, „I came in here to get rid of his intoxicating smell and here he is contaminating my bedroom as well as my life. I blame the cologne company for that, they always make shit that make my ovaries explode," I moved his clothes from my bed and got into bed under the covers, thinking about him, my thoughts sailing towards before when he was so rough, my hands drifting downwards of their own will, „his big hands that cover my whole ass, and me shamelessly riding his crotch, I can't believe he made me into that. I always was a woman that took what she wanted, but not on the first date," my hands were already seated nicely at my core, putting pressure to ease away the pain, hoping to bring me as much pleasure as he did this morning, and there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

„Fuck it."

It was after my satisfaction that I could peacefully continue to sleep and then, sooner rather than later, evening came and I brought out my book. Well what was currently it.

Just a jungle of notes and choices I had to make, styles to chose, and characters to eliminate. I liked my process of writing. It was messed up like me, complicated to others but simple for me. And so I began. Ordering food first, so I don't get caught up in all the worlds I'm trying to create, and all the personalities I have to fix. Starting was always the easy part, having to choose between all the ideas that just keep popping up in my head, now that is the worst part.