Mo grá

The Great War

But the woman standing in front of him now wasn't any of those things.

The color had yet to return to my face and my eyes were wide open as if I had seen a ghost. I looked as fragile as I felt.

The hand that was shoving my phone into my pocket was shaking slightly and my voice trembled for an instant when I started speaking.

I couldn't hide my fear, but I couldn't say anything either. No one was going to get an answer they would like.

"I will be," I said, trying both to reassure him and myself.

"Do you need to step away from the case?" He continued to question as I sat down in one of the chairs and began twisting the chain of my necklace.

"No. I can be here. I just need a minute," I replied.

"What's going on with you?"

"I just haven't been eating or sleeping very well recently. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind because I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or cautious. And mostly I'm scared of losing someone," I blurted out as Hotch went to sit next to me.

Neither of us spoke as they processed what I had said. Both of us hadn't expected me to say so much or to be so open.

I knew that showing some vulnerability would allow him to worry about me but also have an answer.

Giving him an answer, even if it wasn't the full truth, would get him to stop asking as many questions, and hopefully, he would spread the message to the rest of the group. I didn't need to be asked if I was okay.

I didn't need to be asked what was going on with me. There was too much going on with me and I didn't know if I'd  ever have the words to say exactly how terrified I felt.

Hotch and I sat in silence for a few minutes and for that, I was grateful.

The quiet was somehow reassuring and having someone next to me helped me feel as though I wasn't as alone as I supposed I was.

"Sloan, you're probably one of the strongest people I know," Hotch said eventually and I looked over at him, shocked that he had said that.

"I don't know the specifics, and I know that it's likely you won't ever give me those specifics, but I do know that if something is affecting you this great, then it's definitely important. Do what you need to do and try to remember that you have a lot of people in your corner."

🦋

I joined Hotch, Morgan, Rossi, and Prentiss in the SCIF where they were meeting with some of the leaders of CWS.

As some members of the team spoke with the men at the other end of the table, I watched Emily's body language grow increasingly stiffer.

The team was getting too close, but the we couldn't steer them in a different direction or reveal what we knew.

"Kerry Fagan, Ron Cosenza, and Byron Delaney - they all worked for CWS," Morgan continued the conversation.

"As do 40,000 other subcontractors all over the world," the man at the head of the table stated, not realizing that the words he said were giving the BAU more information than he intended to give them.

"So they were subcontracted to you," Derek replied.

The man hesitated before speaking again. "If you're looking for answers, take it up with the main contractor."

"And that would be?" Rossi asked.

"Your government."

I glanced over at Emily, who looked as though she was holding her breath.