Yours Tempting Scent on Tongue: Old Story

Prologue of Vegas: Yours Tempting Scent on Tongue

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Healing is a long and tedious process, so says my therapist.

Healing is a bumpy, winding road, at the end of which our own self is waiting, wounded, beaten, sometimes stifled, but now stronger, finally understood and appreciated. Healing is not about bringing past mistakes, but about acceptance and forgiveness we owe to each other. Healing is noticing failures and rising from your knees instead of digging a deeper pit. Healing is pain and suffering, but it is also joy and the future.

It's been a year since I lost Pete. Three hundred and eighty-seven days, three hours and twenty-four minutes, to be exact. This time, although so difficult at first, helped me to look at our relationship from a distance and understand how many mistakes we have both made. Sometimes love is not enough, sometimes it takes more to be able to stay together, and that's what we've been missing. Was it my fault? Have I not tried hard enough or have I gave up too soon? I could answer all the questions that plagued me for days and nights, with simple yes, but that's not all. Only therapy made me realize how awfully, how one-sided our communication was for the last of weeks. We've stopped truly talking, as if hiding our fear and suffering was suddenly a better option, but healthy relationship must be based on sincerity, not half-truths.

Days and weeks passed, and I, still recovering from the side effects of breaking bond, began to get to know myself better and understand what I really wanted from life. I couldn't please everyone, I couldn't always be good, always helpful. Sometimes I needed to selfishly choose myself and what my heart wanted most. Maybe it sound silly now, as I've put Pete over my connection for a long time but deep down I was afraid. I was scared back then of going against the destiny, against Pa, and unknowingly I tried to push the date of breaking the bond until it broken Pete. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I needed to accept my wrongdoings so I could heal and move on.

As much as I've hardly survived first weeks without him, loneliness helped me realize what is truly important in this world. Suddenly alone, I spent this time deepening connection with my brother, improving relations with closed friends, and searching. I knew what my heart wanted, and I had no intention of giving up, not this time, because even though our love was painful, it was real and when something is real, we shouldn't just let it go without a proper fight. I loved Pete with all my heart, now even harder than before. It's funny how much you can grow in just a year if you are truly trying to change.

In the meantime, longing and thinking about Pete, I began to write letters to him, at someone's urging. Short, honest, filled with what I felt and thought. I didn't plan to send or show them, but I wanted to be able to put all those emotions on paper and I admit, it allowed me to understand his fascination with lyrics. My letters, however, were not as beautifully arranged as the songs Pete wrote. Still, I kept promising myself that the last letter would come when I finally meet him, but it was so hard to find him just by myself.

Tankhun did not respond to my requests of helping, although I was sure he knew exactly where Pete was, and Macau, who at first suffered as much as I did, suddenly felt better. It took me few long weeks to realize that he, for some time now, hid his contact with Pete from me. I remember the pain I felt then. Betrayal almost suffocated my  body when I found out about their hidden meetings, but I didn't want to take it away from them, as I knew how much they both needed each other in their lives, so I accepted that I would have to find my love without anyone's help and I allowed them to continue their relationship without me interfering. Or maybe all this time I was scared I am not ready yet to see him. Maybe I was afraid of looking into those beautiful eyes and see nothing, not love, not even hatred, just pure indifference. How would I be able to survive it then, watching someone I have chased so long, not caring anymore?