The Last Horcrux

Halloween Part Two

It took a long time to get the boys settled down. The nightly routines of baths, bed and tucking in felt tedious. Oakley and Gavin were simultaneously overtired and jacked up on sugar. At last, both children settled, Sev went to the room he shared with Remus. He changed out of his clothes into loose fitting pajamas and a dressing gown. He stood at the window and looked down on the street. A few hours ago it had been alive with children running about in their costumes. Now it was deserted. The storm was picking up. Wind lashed the branches of the trees and splattered rain against the window. The cobbles shone wet under the streetlights. The deserted factory loomed in the background.

Remus came in and handed him a glass of firewhiskey. He drank deeply, with gratitude. Remus put his arms around him from behind and Sev was so thankful for his warmth.

"It's twenty years ago tonight," Sev said. "Twenty years ago that they died."

His choice of pronoun was important. The use of the third person plural was an acknowledgement that James had been Remus' friend, and not just Sev's rival and worst enemy.

Remus pulled him closer. "I know. I've been thinking about them all day."

"If I hadn't...... " Sev's voice broke. "Maybe..... Maybe she'd still be alive."

"Maybe," said Remus. "We can't know.....what might have happened."

"And.....and James too."

"Or if James hadn't been a fool and trusted Peter. There are a million ifs, Sev, there always will be. You can't change the past."

"I've thought about it."

"No. You know you can't. Not without dire consequences." He let go of Sev and stood beside him, looking down at the rain lashed street. He took the glass of firewhiskey from Sev, took a small sip and handed it back to him.

"I know the darkness, Sev," Remus said. "I've been there too."

Of course he had. Remus, so even tempered and cheerful, Sev forgot, sometimes, that he had suffered tremendous losses. Worse, in many ways, than Sev's own had been.

"How do you stand it?" Sev asked him.

"I handle it differently than you, that's all."

"And you have a clean conscience."

Remus sighed. "I love you," he said.

"I don't see how you can."

"But I do. Look, you did what you did based on who you were at that moment in time. You're not the same person you were then. You've grown. I love the person you are now. You can't define your life by one mistake."

"It's more than one mistake, Remus."

"Maybe twenty years is time, Sev." 

"Time for what?"

"Time to.....forgive yourself?"

"Could you forgive yourself? If you were me?"

"I.... I don't know," said Remus and he turned to take Sev in his arms once again. Sev buried his face in Remus' neck.

"Thank you for being honest with me," Sev said, drinking in the smell of Remus, the warmth of his skin.

"It's just that ... no I'm being selfish," said Remus.

"What?"

"It's just..... Every time you go down that rabbit hole of despair. Well.....it's hard on me , hard on the kids."

"I'm sorry."

"I need you Sev. They need you. And when you are lost in remorse...... well, then you are truly gone from us."