Complicated Feelings

Chapter 1

Up is an enigma.

He's Kao's best friend of three or so years, so it's not like he's a stranger by any means, but Kao often finds himself feeling completely dumbstruck when he realizes he really just does not know that much about Up.

He does know some things. He knows that Up loves cats, perhaps more than life itself and has three of his own which he spoils half to death. He knows Up is terrible at most sports, despite being very physically capable and excelling in things like basketball and martial arts. He knows Up will give him just about anything, do just about anything if he asks, or even if he doesn't―like when he shovels some of his meat onto Kao's plate unprompted or shows up with an extra americano in hand.

He also knows that Up has an extreme case of resting bitch face, betraying none of his true thoughts or emotions that are definitely there (right?).

It's not as if Up is cold or unfeeling, though he comes across that way to many, who don't know him well. He's really quite attentive and selfless, always putting others' needs before his own. He can make Kao laugh harder than anyone else, can put him at ease and make him experience a comfort only Up can provide.

Sometimes, Kao finds himself feeling like he only knows his best friend on a surface level. They spend so much time together that they're practically joined at the hip, sleepovers and movie nights and coffee dates, a strong staple in their friendship since high school all the way up until now, in college. Up's mom is like a third parent to Kao. His cats adore him. Up loves him, surely, or else he wouldn't spend so much time with him, tolerate his bullshit, and return his bullshit in equal measure.

But he can't help but feel like he doesn't really know him, his past, his deeper thoughts and feelings. He doesn't know why Up's dad left or where he is, if he's alive; it just never came up, and Kao never pokes or prods for answers regardless of his curiosity. He doesn't know about his childhood, his family beyond his mother and cats, his friends outside of school. He doesn't even know if Up has ever had a girlfriend, hasn't heard about his first kiss, assumes he isn't a virgin but doesn't know for sure.

Up is genuinely the most attractive guy―hell, person―Kao has ever laid his eyes on. Half of the people they pass in the hallways practically trip over their own feet when he looks their way, yet Kao has never heard anything about his love life, which certainly must exist with a face and a body like that, not to mention a kind, endearing personality beneath his hardened, sarcastic exterior.

Kao figures if Up had a serious relationship, he would tell him. Unless he's just sparing his feelings, since Kao is always complaining about his lack of a love life of his own. So ultimately, he decides not to pry; Up has always been a private person and he doesn't want to push him, a little worried to see how he'd react to having that privacy breached.

To fill the void left by Up's mysterious tendencies, Kao is content to bother him with his woes on a regular basis as he laments his lack of a girlfriend.

"I can't believe I got ghosted again," he whines, flopping down on his bed next to Up who's scrolling lazily through his phone. "I really thought this one was going somewhere!"

"You say that about every girl who ghosts you," Up points out, face and voice void of emotion.

Kao pouts. He doesn't expect much more from Up, and honestly, he can't even be upset with his reaction because of how many times he dumps this kind of stuff on him. There's only so many things one can say to comfort a sad sack like Kao, and Up has long since run out, it seems.

(sorry, Up had texted him one night after another one of his crushes fell through and he sobbed to chick flicks, while Up sat by, indifferent, i wish i didn't suck at comforting ppl. you'll find someone who realizes how amazing you are.