Living inside a dark room filled with silence and tranquility, I have found love in violence. Questioning what is life, and what people see behind their eyes to answer my why's in continuing to strive. Imagining things were being able to choose a life whether to be free or to be numb, dead or alive.
Everywhere is colored by the absence of light, living only in the shadows to keep myself from being a disappointment.
Hallucinations overflowed through my emotions, an art in which creating problems that weren't even experienced or done. I have lived half of my life, incarcerated by the psyche of the expression of criticism on how beings talk and their action.
I am trapped, trapped between my thoughts, drowned inside feeling like a convict. Loneliness keeps on hunting me... Who wouldn't love the idea of being alone? It is a unity of feeling and action by just wanting to be done this feeling of nothingness.
What if I'll end my life? Would they feel at ease whenever I'm gone? Do I lessen being a burden? Have I ever satisfied everyone? or did I just become a diddly-squat? On the verge of breaking down, I've found something, it is a length of solid rope made by turning together strands of common filaments.
It is the answer, encompassing a physically daring scene where this illusion of numbness reaches the crossroads of stabbing and hanging oneself to go through life seeking to be disillusioned and deluded. A thin line of marks that heading nowhere formed an abstract art in my body making me a wonderful medium that I seek not to color.
I've been living in a house surrounded by people with positivity, living their lives to the fullest with the greatest smiles that can be seen on their faces. There was a time when I decided to come to terms with voicing out my emotions to my parents Leonardo and Maris, and my best friend, Elisa, with them I've been searching for refute but the void's still there, detaching me from them.
"Mom and Dad, have you ever been tired of yourselves? I mean the things you usually feel happened to changed lately?"
"Honey, I know that we are kind of not giving you the tender and attention, but we always give you what you want, we may be pressuring you about the future but you should always live your life with euphoria." Mom said as she hugged me, along with Dad with the magnetic feeling of wanting to feel something, but dazed.
Under the segment of the electromagnetic radiation emitted by the Sun, I'm with Elisa, who's always adequate in giving encouragement and emotional muck within for the sake of everyone's future, it makes me want to query how she's doing that. I want to feel that, but life's indeed scrutinizing for me, it has a lot of chambers to choose from.
In the dead silence, harmful thoughts suddenly fill my room with a burst of emotion. All of my attempts at subterfuge had been in vain. With the loneliness in my heart, I watched everything surrounding me turned into grey. At this moment, no member of my family or friends will be able to pull me up. Will I ever learn the outcome of this fight? Will I live long enough to find out whether I lose or win?
... I'll be ending my life, I can only see the rope as a sign. Is this the final goodbye? Am I ready to die? If death is the only solution to be happy in this life?
1, 2, 3 ...
As the sun strikes directly to my eyes, I've woken up from my sleep. Perspiration ran down my body, I know, I've dreamed again about my past, a beautiful memories, way and often in a way that I cannot be forgotten.
Consciousness is one thing that helps me to find answers by looking and seeking carefully and thoroughly my life, I've found it within me. It is not me who's the burden but it's my mind that has been eating up my whole system to negatively affect my overall characteristics.
With a heavy heart, as I catch my breath, I sit up. A familiar facade caught my might and witnessed an amazing woman with a genuine smile. I sense a familiar recognition, a warrior who has been tough and brave to survive a long journey of battle, a battle that is quite terrifyingly beautiful fighting in my mind and falling deep into my madness.
I survived. It is the bravest thing I ever did continuing my life when I wanted to die. There is a reason behind it, it is never too late to realize that everything we have is temporary, so we are. Yes, death is tempting, the beauty of it represents the ending, but it doesn't have a beginning as it symbolizes change.
