Koala Style

Chapter 8

It's been three weeks since that weekend at Dan and Phil's flat, and I have to say I am completely over it. Steve has sobered, and he is taking therapy. I'm back at work as my arm is fully healed now. When I took it off, a bone snapped inside and I was rushed to hospital as it was "temporarily paralysed". That's what I refer it to as, there is this long, complicated, hospital word that I can't remember. Basically, I couldn't move it and was told off for cutting it off.

The first week was hell though, I wouldn't leave my room. Or eat. Or sleep. I don't know why, I didn't really have a reason. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. It wasn't just my arm.

Steve said I needed to see someone. I didn't want to go to a psychiatrist or anything, as I don't believe in that. So I went to PJ. He wasn't exactly a help. He didn't know what to say, all he could talk about was how mad he was at Dan. I didn't exactly want to talk about Dan. So I went to Josie. She was fantastic.

It was like she knew exactly how I was feeling. It was so weird. She got me to do these exercises and she always made me do something with her after work. Like, go to the cinema or go shopping or hang out in the park or something. She took me to the pub garden and got me to talk about what happened there. It was good, I hadn't really told anyone what happened. I also told her how I felt about it, which was weird. I told her that I wasn't that traumatised by it, the only emotion I felt at the time was love. Love, respect and gratefulness for Dan as he was the one who saved me from the offender. I suppose that love has gone now.

I really misinterpreted Josie. She is such a good friend.

Now, I suppose I'm better. I don't have a mental disorder, so that's good. I guess it was just temporary depression. Or more likely dementia. Can you get temporary dementia?

Josie told me not to think about Dan. She says I should just move on. Apparently all boys are like that.

"They say they love a girl, when really they just love themself."

"No, Dan was just confused. I don't know, but I think he might've tricked himself into thinking he was in love. To get over someone else maybe."

"You could think that."

We didn't exactly talk about him, but she always wanted to get to the bottom of our 'Weekend Romance' as she referred it to.

We haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet.

To be honest, I don't really want to. This sounds quite insensitive but I don't really give two shits about Dan anymore. Yes, I broke his heart, but he was the one who took it so personally. I mean, I didn't cheat or do anything like that. I was being reasonable, he wasn't. OK, that was mean. I was beingmore mature.

Everything seems fine now. I guess. I haven't been ignoring PJ, but I've been avoiding spending time with him. Lately he seems too stressed and that's not what I want to be around. Josie says I'm in a 'vulnerable state' and I should be in 'comfortable vibes'. It makes sense with the sentences she uses.

I don't hate PJ, he is my best friend and always will be. I just can't deal with hanging around him right now.

One thing happened, rather recently. It was on Monday this week. I was walking through town when I passed Phil. He didn't carry on walking or look at me as if I was gum on his shoe. He stopped, he said 'hi'. It was awkward for a few seconds then he finally said;

"Dan misses you."

Then carried on walking down the pavement. I have to say, I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't phased by it either. I told Josie and she said this was good. When I asked why she said that at least now I know he doesn't hate me. I suppose that helped. I feel bad that he misses me though, for some reason.

I did overthink the whole situation, and as I said I'm over it now. I have other stuff to worry about, like cleaning my room and getting good grades. I have been behind in school work this Summer, but I don't think any of it was necessary. No one does it anyway.

The only problem is, Josie wants me to talk to him.

Yeah, because that will help a lot. Besides, if I do talk to him, what the fuck do I say?

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

That ridiculously short chapter in my life is over now and I have moved on. How many times do I need to think it before it actually comes clear? I don't want anything to do with Daniel Howell.

Who am I kidding?

Quit trying to lie to yourself, Olivia. Of course you miss him.

It's just this feeling I get whenever I'm around him. Not the brotherly, friendly thing I feel when I'm with PJ or the joking, fun feeling I get with Chris. This is much more intense than that.

I'd known Dan for three days tops and I had already decided to trust him?That's not normal for me. I never really trusted Steve when Mum was arrive and I turned out right. Kind of.

Was I right with Dan? I always felt safe around him, it was as if I was enchanted or something. Not that I believe in magic, but it did feel like magic.

Is that what love feels like? How am I supposed to know? Before I met him, if I boy wasn't named PJ they were a complete indifferent species to me. When I was little, I thought you would catch a disease if you made contact with them.

Apparently that disease is love.

No!

No, I am not in love with Dan. I never was and I never will be.

No!

I am. I am. I want to be. I want to be in love with Dan.

But I messed all of that up back in the flat, and even if he did want to be even friends, it wouldn't work. You can't really fix that kind of thing unless it's mutual. Dan may miss me, but he would never take me back. I don't know him that well, but he seems like that kind of person. He might not hate me, but I will always feel like he does and I will never forgive myself for hurting him.

I should talk to him.