Miles apart (M×M) ✔

37) f a r e w e l l e d

This chapter might make you tear up.

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After Eli and Benjamin moved back to their home, Miles and Ash took all the pleasure and joy out of the empty house. They were learning the magic of living together, even as they never really unpacked Ash's belongings, in anticipation of Anthony kicking them out of their home anytime soon. 

They spent hours talking about their fears, hopes and dreams. They cried for the unfairness of Eliana's worsening health, but they also made sure to laugh every time there was something to be happy about.

And sometimes Miles caught himself grinning joyously without any specific reason. He was just that happy. For once he was genuinely and for real content with his life, with everything he had and didn't have. He just wished it would last.

It did, for a few blessed weeks. 

The thing about death is that you never really see it coming. You might know it for months or even years beforehand and you might think you're ready for it, but there's no way to actually see it coming. There's no way to be ready to lose someone you love, no matter how many hours or months or years you've spent preparing yourself for the worst.

It's always going to feel like someone has pulled the rug from under your feet. The first morning without them is always going to feel like mockery; for how can the sun still rise when they are gone? How can the birds still sing when they aren't there to hear it?

In a sense the concept of the one last good day or the last lucid moment in terminal illness feels like mockery too. You get this one perfectly happy day or a moment of clarity, where they seem like themself again. Just one day or moment when you think that maybe there's hope after all, but the reality is the opposite of getting better. Yet, in a way, it is also like the last goodbye. The last good memory to cherish. 

On one typical Sunday morning, Miles and Ash made their way to Ash's parents' home. They bought cinnamon rolls from a bakery on their way, even though Eliana could no longer chew solid food. They did so, because it made them feel normal, like nothing had changed, even for a little while. They made Milk Oolong tea, which was still Eliana's favorite. She could no longer help them to set the table, but she could sit at the table and, on good days like that day, drink the tea.

"I can tell.." Eliana started, her voice slurring just a tiny bit, and then stopped to take a breath. "..that living together has been good for you."

"Yes, ma, it has been." Ash gave her a gentle, although sad, smile. Then he brought the mug with the reusable straw to her lips and wiped her jaw once she was done taking a sip.

"We are actually looking for a new place to live in." Miles told Eliana and then, refusing to listen to the voice that told him it might never happen, added: "Just wait and see, you'll be the first guest we bring there."

"I'd love that." She agreed, a ghost of a smile making its way on her lips.

"The day that I met you", Avi surprised them by opening his mouth. He set his mug on the table and held Eliana's hand instead. "I knew I was going to marry you. You were the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. You gave me years' worth of happiness and a beautiful son, to whom you've always been nothing but a good and loving mother."

Ash sucked in a breath, his eyes darting from his dad to his mom. He didn't say a word, but it was like they all, excluding Miles, knew what was happening. Miles knitted his eyebrows, confused as ever. He tried to meet Ash's gaze so that he would explain, but Ash wasn't looking at him. He was still just staring at his mom, while holding his breath.

"I.." Ash began, but then just let the words trail off while looking at Eliana. Avi gave him an encouraging smile, and eventually Ash continued: "I'm so lucky to have you out of all people as my mom. You taught me to read and ride a bike, and later that all love is good and natural and I just needed to find the right person for me."

Miles was starting to panic, not understanding why it sounded like they were saying goodbyes all of a sudden. He bit his lip and cautiously moved his hand to hold Ash's under the table. Maybe he didn't know what was going on, but he could tell Ash needed all the support he could get to get through whatever it was.

"You took in my friends like your own children, when they needed a place to sleep in. You taught us to cook and bake, and take care of ourselves." Then Ash got up, whispering something in a language Miles didn't understand to his mom. Eliana said something back with the same language and when Ash hugged her, they both had tears in their eyes.

"Is there anything you'd like to say about Eliana?" Avi turned to look at Miles, who was just gaping at him. When Miles couldn't find the words, taking in a panicked gulp of air, Avi chuckled and reassured him: "It's okay, you don't have to say anything."

"I don't understand.." Miles whispered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

"Just.. give me a hug, will you?" Eliana asked, her voice filled with warmth. 

That much Miles could do, and he squeezed her as firmly as he dared in fear of breaking her birdlike body. Eliana hugged him back, smiling with her face in the crook of his shoulder. 

"You should have seen me dancing." Eliana whispered and let out a sound that reminded Miles of laughter. 

"You were the best of the best." Miles hummed softly and hugged her a while longer.

After that the conversation turned back to its normal course and Miles was nearly able to forget the weirdness of the morning. Javier Muños and his girlfriend stopped by later that day, and after them Brandon and Shirley. Miles had to admit to himself it was a bit odd, but he didn't think too much of it.

Ash seemed reluctant to leave even as it was getting late, but Miles didn't complain. He was in no hurry to get away from his second family either. 

When they left, Eliana embraced them longer than she normally did and something in that hug made Miles not want to let go of her. It made him want to stay forever, to make sure she was going to be around when they found the apartment of their dreams. 

"You are more of a mother to me than mine has ever been. So.. Thank you for that." Miles whispered in her ear, just in case, because nothing was worse than goodbyes left unsaid. 

"I'm glad to hear that. Call her, tell her you miss her, because it's not too late to fix things with her." Eliana told Miles, before moving to give Ash a tight and teary embrace. 

Ash didn't want to let go either. He wasn't ready to say goodbye, and Miles was heartbroken for him. Somehow Ash summoned the strength to let go of Eliana, to get on his jacket and let Miles walk him out the door. 

It was a chilly evening, turning their breaths into misty clouds. The only sounds were their footsteps against the pavement and the faint rumble of the traffic in the distance. For a long while Miles did dare to say a word, but he entwined his fingers with Ash's and Ash clasped his hand back so tight it was almost painful.

"What was that?" Miles whispered, cautiously, not really expecting an answer. After a moment Ash turned to look at him. His expression was forlorn, his eyes dark abysses when all the hope was gone.

"A Buddhist tradition. Reflecting on her good deeds should help her with her reincarnation." Ash's voice was so quiet it was barely a whisper, but it didn't break and he didn't shed a tear. What he said next, Miles had dreaded to hear ever since he found out about Eliana's illness: "It's time."

When Eliana fell asleep that night, she did so for the last time.