In Another Life || neymar

1. the collapse of a universe

1. the collapse of a universe

2013

"I think... maybe we shouldn't be together anymore." He said, not making eye contact with her.

His gaze was trained below, at his feet as though there were something interesting about them. But there wasn't. He just couldn't look her in the eyes after what he had just said because while one part of him didn't want to do it, another part of him told him it was for the best. Sometimes when two people argued the way they did, it was easy to say hurtful things. But once the words were out, he always regretted them and that was why he never looked her in the eyes during an argument. Because he could clearly see how much his words were hurting her.

And he was hurting her right now. 

In front of him, her heart was shattering into a million pieces and silent tears started rolling down her cheeks in an uncontrollable yet steady stream. All in the matter of a few seconds. The words were like a sharp knife, tearing her apart from the inside out, slashing coldly through her heart. And what was worse was that it was hurting him too, but he felt like it was better for them to part ways after everything they had gone through in their relationship.

They were always in disagreements, always fighting about the simplest and dumbest things. But they always found a way to talk things out and be okay again. Still, it wasn't just the arguments that led him to make that decision. It was much more complicated than that.

Part of the problem was that he was just tired of it. 

He couldn't do it anymore, it was exhausting for both of them and he saw it. He saw the constant sadness on her face, and he didn't know how to make it better. It seemed like they were walking on eggshells whenever they were around each other. 

Sometimes they were okay, they were so in love and they were happy. And other times it was like a nightmare. She wasn't talking to him because of something that he said, and she needed a moment to cool off. And then when she was ready to talk about it, he was barely beginning to get mad about it and he didn't want to talk. Their moods never matched and it made it difficult for them to be able to talk about things the way they wanted to. When they were good, it felt like their love was enough to surpass every obstacle. But when they weren't...it seemed like their love was never enough for her.

He didn't realize that all she wanted was for him to show her some love and affection. He was the type of person who was funny, kind, and generous with his friends and family. With her he was more reserved and he truly struggled with himself to show her how much he loved her. And she only knew one way to get a reaction out of him.

She only got it from him in the form of caresses and kisses during a heated make out session that subsequently also led to angry lovemaking after an argument. That was the way it had always been and it was the only way she could get him to show her some love, by getting him angry first. It was slowly taking a toll on both of them. It always made her feel like she wasn't enough for him. Like the only reason he kept her around was for the sex. Because he knew that no matter what he did, and no matter how many times they could fight and say it was over for good, she would always come back to him if he looked for her.

She took a few moments to calm herself. She knew that if she spoke right away, her voice would crack, and she had always been a person who hated showing her emotions when she was hurt. She thought it made her look weak and it showed him the power he held over her. 

That was another thing about the two of them. Their relationship was always more about winning or losing. Who had the last word, who looked for who after an argument, who was the first to cave when they missed the other person. It was a power struggle between the two of them. She didn't want to be the one to look for him first after an argument because she was always the one making conversation first, being cheerful and happy when he was stressed, showing him all of her love. She always felt that when they fought, and he was the one to go looking for her first, it let her know that he actually cared instead of her always doing everything, always taking the lead.

She was prideful when it came to their relationship. But if she was prideful, he was the same but ten times over. If she did something to him, he always had to find a way to mirror it, and vice versa.

She showed him her happiness, and her feelings of love because she thought it showcased her strength. But never her sadness, anger, or disappointment because it showed her weakness. Those things she always kept to herself, but he always knew when something was wrong because she would always just stay dead silent. 

When she was finally able to get the words out, she said, blinking back through the tears in her eyes. Her voice was steady, as she didn't want him to actually see how much she was hurting. What she didn't realize was that she couldn't conceal the heartbreak that he was finding in her eyes. "You don't understand how I wish I could go back in time and undo that moment we first started talking so that I'd never have to see you again."

He knew exactly what moment she was talking about. His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. "You know that's not how I feel at all...I just think things will be better this way." He knew he didn't have the right to be upset at what she was saying. He was breaking up with her and it was normal for her to be upset. But he couldn't deny that her words were full of poison and effectively were hurting his feelings.

She didn't respond to his words. Instead, she said something else. "I have to go. Good luck with your new life, Ney. You deserve it." She told him, tears streaming down her reddened face. And she turned away from him, walking away.

He wanted to stop her, but something within him let her walk away that day. He only watched as her figure grew smaller in his sight and then disappeared altogether. It was a Thursday night, and it was a talk they had been in need of having. He had been putting it off for so long already, ever since he found out about the finalizing of his new contract. 

They went on dates together every Thursday ever since they had started dating two years prior, and he never imagined her words would come true, and that that would be the last time he would ever see a love towards him reflected in her beautiful bright green eyes.

Without even knowing it, he was witnessing the collapse of their universe.

-

ugh guysssss.

that's what im going through right now. i've been on and off with him for over two years. and its so shitty, this feeling of sadness i get sometimes. i've been so depressed for months because he says that he loves me, but that he's afraid to commit and that its really difficult for him to express love. yet i've seen him express basic feelings of care to our friends. and i'm tired of it, i'm tired of waiting and never being enough.

like he won't choose me, but he won't let me go either. but at the same time, i know this is my own fault. if i had more self love, i would just leave already. but here i am. still waiting. still holding on to the chance that he'll realize im all he needs.

i think that if i focus on myself, i'll be okay. i just have to figure out how to get to that point. i'm pretty close though. nowadays when we argue, it doesn't even hurt anymore. im just numb.

thank you for your support.

-clary