When I was young, I noticed my parents didn't really love each other. I think the reason for this may have something to do with how grim and serious they both are. There wasn't someone to balance them out. They were both cold, and frigid. And together, they're motionless. Like buried deep down in an avalanche.
Perhaps they did at one time... but eventually stopped.
That could be the reason as to why home felt cold to me... to us. Our pillars were frozen cold. And we were deprived from warmth.
Napabuntong-hininga ako habang ipinarada ang kotse sa garahe. All of our cars are there so everyone is probably at home. Pumunta ako sa kwarto ko at nagpalit ng komportableng pambahay.
While pacing around my huge room, I couldn't help but ponder on how I felt; how odd and different my feelings seemed from anything I'd ever experienced before.
I don't know why, but at that time, I felt a genuine fondness and connection with Red. I felt the warmth and the golden glow. Like a hearth in a cold, desolate town, I have lived eternally.
I collapsed onto my bed and then closed my eyes. Maybe I am attracted to him? I never felt attraction ever.
He has always been kind to me despite not knowing each other that much. Well, Mel has been too.
So, it could be just that, right?
Perhaps it felt strange because I had never made new acquaintances outside of Mel. I've been alone and remote. And suddenly he arrived.
I rolled towards the other side of the bed as I stare deeply into my bedroom wall, I can even feel it melting against my intense stare.
Okay, if I am in fact attracted to him, so what? Should I act upon those feelings?
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang matinding init na bumabalot sa aking mukha habang patuloy kong iniisip ang aking bagong nararamdaman.
Am I so deprived of love and warmth that his tiny actions and gestures towards me arouse my attraction?
I sighed and opened my phone and decided to check on his Facebook. This is the only way I can feel close towards him...
He has a few posts from the event earlier. Most were group photos. I realized that he has a lot of friends. His social circle consists entirely of his friends. Baka lahat na kilala niya ay kaibigan niya? Who knows? Are they chatting everyday too? How about a video call? Do they hang out often? Of course, Mauve. They're classmates, schoolmates, org-mates, or whatever.
Malayo ka sa kaniya. Kinakaibigan ka lang ata dahil kaibigan mo ang kaibigan niya.
I closed my phone and now I don't know what to feel.
Nobody has any idea how much I despise myself. How much it frustrates me that my feelings may be so contradictory at times. And that I do not always understand it.
Some days, I no longer have the energy to hate me. I just feel indifferent. Parang tinatanggap ko lang na ganito ako. Ganito mag-isip. Bobo. Lutang. Wala sa sarili. Walang pangarap. 'Di alam kung ano ang nararamdaman.
Alright, why are my thoughts consists of self-hating again? Why is that every time I try to understand my feelings, I always seem to wrap up about how much I hate myself?
My phone began to vibrate in my hands. I rolled to the opposite side of the bed and checked it.
Red Landaverde: Thanks for spending time with me :)
With that one message, he wiped away all of my frustrating thoughts. Like the sun dispersing light in a sky full of rainy cumulus clouds.
Mauve de Veyra: np :>
