𝐑𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞

alexithymia

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ᵃˡᵉˣᶦᵗʰʸᵐᶦᵃ
/əˌˡᵉᵏˢəˈᵀᴴīᵐēə/ ⁿᵒᵘⁿ
ᵀʰᵉ ᶦⁿᵃᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉᶜᵒᵍⁿᶦᶻᵉ ᵒʳ ᵈᵉˢᶜʳᶦᵇᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ'ˢ ᵒʷⁿ ᵉᵐᵒᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ.
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Hatred

A form of hatred

It's  sallowing me up
Do I try to stop it?
Kick it away?
Push away those negative thoughts?

No, I let it devour me whole
With out an ounce of trying
The trying to stop this

You may not hide something endlessly
So what made you believe I was going to stuff this rage down hidden inside my  body

Instead
I let myself to be covered in anger

Screaming in my head to be let out
Even if I was right
I still get scolded for letting this monster out
So I keep this monster inside me

Which is slowing eating me alive
Eating my flesh
Peeling my insides ever so slowly
Tempting me every second
I'm itching to let it out

Knowing if I do
It will end with screams of anger
And tears falling out of my eyes even though I command them to not

Who's fault was it?
Of course she takes the blame
No matter how much we tell her it was those people's fault

No matter how much our throat screams
Telling her it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't be the one apologizing

I want her to quit
But we need the money
And we all know it

I'm not angry at her
I'm enraged at the world for being so cruel
I'm enraged at what the world has become
At what the world despised most
Became it

Why couldn't those people just give her a break
My mind still vividly remembering
What happen that day...

The day when she was crying her eyes out
Stress visibly on her face
New wrinkles forming onto her face
The face which used to have so much less creases
Eyes became puffy with redness taking over

My whole mind crashed
When I was told the reason why she was crying So helplessly
I couldn't think of anything else
My only thought was
It's those people's fault

Their fault
They are the reason why my mother is crying
They are the reason I see her come home with a new wrinkle each time
They are the reason why she is always stressed

I wanted to punch them
Yell at them
Screams with imperishable rage
I wanted for horrible, vile events to happen to them

I regret everything I thought at that day
When anger finally left my body
I questioned myself
Why did I think that?
I don't actually want vile things to happen to people
So why did I scream it over and over in my mind?

I felt like crying
No
I was crying
If I'm wishing for vile things to happen
Aren't I out to be the vile person?

If only I could be like others
Calm
Peaceful
Obedient

But I can't
I can't keep watching my mother crying at night from this