The After Effects Of White Roses and Spider Lilies

Chapter 15: June 22nd

Wednesday, June 22nd

I sat on my bed, Noah's journal in my hand. I'm scared to open it, but why? Why am I scared? I mean it's not like this could be holding information on why Noah left me. Its not like it's hold information on what I did wrong for him to try and kill himself on his birthday at my house! Did I bring him to this? Was it my fault? I grab his journal and a jacket and drive to the cemetery.

"Avery got married yesterday, left for her honeymoon this morning. They'll be back next month." I took a deep breath. "Avery gave me your journal. I don't want to read it. I don't think I should read it." I shook my head. "What if I don't read it? Who's going to make me, yknow?" I sighed. I stood up and dusted off my knees. "I'll read it. I'll read it then come back." I jumped in my truck and drove back home.

The first few pages made me want to rip my heart out of my chest. He started out indifferent but as time went on all he did was cry and scream. And that's fine that's the point of this journal but fuck. He was in so much pain and I know I wasn't there when the pain started but he never told me. I skip around, skimming the pages looking for whatever caused him to kill himself.

Noah and I were cuddling the night before his birthday. He told me he wanted to turn 17 with me. Noah and I were singing and dancing around in the kitchen. He looked a little pale but he was happy and laughing. Around 11 he pulled me into his room with two cupcakes and a candle. I placed the candle in his cupcake and lit it. I smiled at him and started singing "Happy Birthday".

He blew out the candle.

"What did you wish for?" I asked him as I removed the candle.

"That we would stay together forever." He smiled sadly.

"Of course we'll stay together. I love you."

"I love you." He gave me a quick kiss before excusing himself.

He took too long and I went to investigate. I found him with blood on his shirt, dripping down his lips. I rushed to his side. He was crying. I was crying. I picked his head up and moved it onto my lap.

"What's wrong, my love?" He said weakly. His hand grabbed the side of my face, wiping away my tears. I cover my hand with his.

"I- What happened baby?"

"I don't know." His breath quickened.

"Hey, hey, calm down baby, it's okay, you'll be okay." I tried to reassure him. He only smiled at me weakly.

"I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for." I said, running my fingers through his hair. His breathing slowed until finally it stilled. I can't remember how long I sat there, crying and holding him close.

I stopped on the entry labeled August 24th. My eyebrows scrunch in confusion. What the hell is Hanahaki? I place the journal next to me and pull out my phone.

"Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love along with the memory of them also disappears."

My eyes widen. Holy shit. Does this mean he was dying? Why didn't he say anything? Wait, is this why he died? I quickly grab his journal and start reading again.

September 15th, November 20th, 2021, December 5th, January 18th, February 10th. He let himself suffer alone. He wanted to go but he didn't want to have to leave. He left though. He knew how to fix it and he let himself suffer. I shake my head. I close the journal and walk numbly into the bathroom. I grab a bottle from the cabinet and a random bottle from the fridge before getting into my truck. I drive slowly to the graveyard in silence. Before I get out of the car I call Avery.

"Hello?" She picks up.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. "

"Oh, it's alright Benji." She says softly. I shake my head.

"No it's not. It will be though." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Thank you for being there for me, for everything."

"What- of course Benji, but why-" I hung up. I climb out of my truck and find Noah's grave. I sat there for a moment, crying. I wonder if Noah felt like this as he waited for death to come to him. I looked at the pill bottle that was laying next to me and picked it up.

I pour the pills into my hand and stare at them. I promised, and I waited years but I don't know if I can wait any longer. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise, my love, you can yell at me when I see you again. I just can't do it anymore without you. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again. " I throw back my head and fill my mouth with the pills. I lean on his stone and drink the random drink that I found in my house and close my eyes. "See you soon my love."