Dear Jillian

3.

Erin unlocked the front door, walking into their apartment, music was softly playing and the brunette smiled. She knew she would never tire of returning home to the blonde. They had first discussed moving in together after only a few weeks of officially dating. Erin wanting nothing more to spend every sleeping and waking moment with her girlfriend and she had nodded eagerly when they settled on Erin's apartment. It was the bigger of the two and closest to work, and within a couple of days they were falling asleep on their couch together, surrounded by half unpacked boxes and a half eaten pizza. Erin waking in the early hours, rousing the woman next to her and smiling into her cheek with a whisper.

'Lets go to our bed babe.'

Holtzmann had grunted a little, eyes closed lips forming a smile and she let the woman guide her into their bed. 

Erin knew there was going to be nothing more perfect or satisfying about her life than dating Holtzmann. The way the blonde would look at her, the way she nodded softly asking questions and being attentive when Erin talked about things, the woman always engaged and hanging on every word. The way Holtz would kiss her endlessly, her lips and any contact as electric as the first time she intimately touched her, the way her calloused fingers ran along her cheek, arms, spine, lips. Everything about the way she offered her touch was sensual, calming, a comfort. Holtz was also a thorough lover, patient, kind, gentle, but also rough and passionate when Erin wanted it, and oh did Erin crave it.  She always craved Holtz, hungered for her like no one before, and Holtzmann was always willing to give, her love generous, satisfying. The way Holtz sometimes paused, as though in bewilderment, Erin below her in bed as she hesitated above her, her hand tracing Erin's cheek, sliding into her hair and Holtz would almost gaze into her soul, drinking in every part of her spirit, her core, a smile upon her face as she told Erin how beautiful she was, and how no one more beautiful had been created. The most perfect atoms, molecules and cells had been saved for use to create Erin, and the blonde told her this, wanting her to know this, to believe this, because Holtzmann was all about the science the facts, and Erin need to know this, know that this was a fact. 

'You are beautiful, you are the meaning of the word in physical form.'

The brunette had giggled, Holtzmann shaking her head softly with a smile as she returned to kissing the woman laying beneath her.

'Er?'

Erin looked towards the bedroom, the blonde calling out to her again, her voice sounded strained, a little hoarse. She tossed her keys in the small dish she kept at the front door and kicked off her sneakers, dropping her bag and walking towards the room. Her eyes catching a glimpse of the stack of boxes, spare parts that she still needed to take into work, and she noticed a layer of dust on them, raising her eyebrows. She shook her head, promising herself she would take them to the Firehouse the next morning.

'Jill honey?'

Holtz was in bed, the blankets pulled up to her chin and she was turned away from Erin.

'You okay?' Erin asked as she walked over to the bed, and she pulled back the covers of her own side, sliding in and pushing her arms around the engineer, her face moving to nuzzle into her hair.

'Bad day,' Holtz murmured, pushing herself backwards and firmly into Erin's front.

'Why didn't you call me?'

Holtz shook her head, her hands coming up to latch onto Erin's ones that were around her chest.

It seemed a lifetime ago that Erin was almost hesitant about wanting to be touched, almost as though she felt that she didn't deserve it, let alone deserve it from the blonde. Her past relationships had been more of friendships, nothing she would call romantic love. She almost didn't now how to love at times, she was afraid to love. And it wasn't about rejection. She was afraid of being judged. Being judged for her anxieties, for her inexperience, her at times quirkiness but also her smarts. But the bright engineer had swept her off her feet, had shown her love in all ways possible and Erin loved learning how to love, and learning how to accept love. Holtz showing her she deserved it. Holtzmann whispering one night that her most favourite thing in the world: loving you Erin, that's my most favourite thing in the world.