Well, hello..I guess I'll start on how this horror show started.
Waking up that morning I felt the same as always, empty stomach aching at the thought of eating a real meal.
Me: mmf, don't do it.
My girlfriend/not gf still very much asleep on FaceTime since we were on the phone day and night.
Walking into the bathroom to weigh myself once again like I did everyday, exhausted, sore and dizzy as my warm feet touched the tiles of my bathroom floor. I stare at a number that will actually never be perfect for me.
Me: *sigh* thank god
The girl I talked about earlier we will call A. A woke up as I was ready to start my bath, as I did every morning, not able to stand in the hot water of my shower I chose to bathe instead.
A: good morning.
Me and her had been doing so awfully bad for some time but we still held on, as we didn't have many people to talk to and our past had a long line of attachment and meaning, that letting go wasn't an option I guess.
Me: good morning!
(Later on)
I was missing a friend of mine, the only one I spoke to those days really. So me and my mom decided to get him over to the house.
Me: what do u want to watch? Mhm?
(We'll call him W)
W: well the saw movies are pretty cool
As he stares at the tv hoping I'll agree
Me: you know I said you could choose, what one?
I said laughing because he hated asking things of people. He just likes giving.
W: this one
He points at the newer one, and decided we'd also watch an older one too.
(A bit later)
Me and A had gotten into a bad argument, I logged out of my snap for a while, and just had a good time with W until he left.
Me: see you later bro
I said as he slid my sliding door closed, leaving.
As I reached my room I decided to fix things with A, even though I was exhausted from fighting.
As I sat quiet on the phone while her and her friend shot the shit something popped up on my old friends Snapchat story stating "rip Ginger I'll never forget you".
Me: wtf...
A: what?
Still laughing at what the friend said.
Me: um, hold on.
I checked others story and saw the same things, baby pictures of this little ginger boy...the only one we all called Ginger was- was him. I prayed to the lord above he didn't take him.
Me: I have to go I think my friend died.
A: oh? What one?
Not seeming to care all that much, who am I kidding...? When did she.
Me: I'll tell you later. If I call back...
A: okay bye,
She looked at me kinda annoyed/confused.
I hung up the phone quickly finding someone's number that would know. My "best friend" who I hadn't had much conversation with lately.
*phone ringing*
Me: god please...
(We'll call her f)
F: hello!
She seemed so happy, that still didn't make me feel better since she didn't ever talk to him or like him for that matter.
Me: you need to be very honest with me rn, what happened? Is it the Ginger I'm thinking of right now?
She pauses and sighs loud.
F: yes, he died a few hours ago(I won't add the rest since it's a sensitive topic)
My whole world went from pieced together and not so bad...to my worst nightmare.
Me: okay...I gotta go.
F: if you ever need to talk I'm here
Me: okay, I- I really need to go..
I hung up the phone, chucking my phone and letting out a scream I can only describe as a cry for relief, and possibly death for myself.
Me: fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I hyperventilated, rocking back and forth speaking gibberish to myself trying to make up some solution to reverse what happened. I stumble downstairs to my parents heaving and crying like a wounded animal.
Me: mum, mum, mum...he's dead...he's fucking DEAD.
Tears just rolling off my face, with an expression I could imagine as absolute pain and anger.
Mom: who, who hunny what happened
Me: he killed himself mum....
Dad: what the fuck are u talking about who?
My dad frustrated because he could never understand my need to relieve my pain, through tears, or my concern for others.
Me: b*****...
Mum: who?
Me: Ginger mum...
She got right up and hugged me crying as well, because the boy I once had a middle school crush on that grew into being in love with was gone. I used to come into her shop and go on and on about how I got to talk to him, how he was so nice and not like the other guys who put hands on me, sexualized me..
Dad: I didn't know that's who it was hunny...
Mum: I'm so sorry....
I stopped crying, knowing I couldn't fully let it all out in front of them, without the judgment of my father.
Me: I just hope he's happy now...
I went on about him for a while, then said I was going to call A back.
I don't know why I thought she'd be there for me,
Me: hey so he did die, Ginger.
A: well he couldn't be that important if I never heard of him.
In that moment I shut down, how could she say that...I never told her about him because she made me push everyone away....she hated everyone who knew me...
Me: I guess...yeah..
Her friend chiming in, saying that we could play COD to make me feel better.
I played with them with the fakest smile on my face, just hoping they'd go to bed soon.
Me: goodnight, sleep well, I love you
A: I love you too
I muted and cried into my bed, screaming and gasping for air...I've never fought for air like I did that night.
After a short few minutes I hung up not caring if it upset her, just wanting to be alone. I stayed up all night crying and begging something...someone bring him back home. Latching at my comforter in a ball in the middle of my bed.
(Next morning)
I woke up around 12, after going to bed at 6 am.
Me: great.
I look at my messages to see a good morning message from A, she liked all my sad tik toks I made all night, since I had no one to talk to who would actually care.
(Texts)
Me: good morning lovely, how did you sleep?
A: good hbu?
Me: um..okay I guess
A: good!
We face timed for a bit then I stared out my window, sitting on the corner of the bed that held all my pain, all the tears and heartbreak. I stared out that window for at least an hour.
Mum: hey! So I'm going to see ma mere
Me: okay, I'll be here I don't want to go
Mum: are you okay? Like after yesterday?
Me: oh I'm fine mum, I'll be fine
Mum: okay! I'll be back later
She smiles as she left my room, I decided a much needed walk was a good idea. Slipping my headphones in my ear, I played my music walking everywhere around town scream crying, having strangers stare in awe at how crazy I looked.
From that day forward my life looked exactly like that.
YOU ARE READING
The impossible story
FantasiThis is a form of therapy. But it's going to be about how I lost a friend and how I changed it.
