Amarah: The Impossible Challenge

Challenge # 03

The Turnout 

Daddy said that today is Mommy's birthday and that we are going to her grave to visit her. I wonder what a grave is. I don't understand all of what he is saying but the fact that he said Mommy caught my attention so I got excited. Finally! I will be able to see Mommy after all this time.

I only see Mommy on her pictures. Daddy said that she is beautiful and intelligent and all of the things that describes a perfect mommy. I remember asking him if my mommy is perfect but Daddy only gave me a knowing smile. I wanted to ask Daddy where Mommy is. Bakit hindi siya umuuwi sa bahay? Bakit hindi ko siya nakakausap. But that's so many question and I can only say some words.

Daddy was tying my shoelace. I noticed that he is kind of sad today. I thought birthdays are supposed to be happy. Why is Daddy sad now that it's mommy's birthday?

We left the house and he stuffed me in my baby chair at the back of his car. He gave me my white squishy ball and he went around to drive the car. I was too busy playing with my ball that I had forgotten about where Daddy and I will go today. I almost dropped my ball because I was too excited to hold it tightly but that got it for me and gave it back to me again. I grinned at him. I really like my ball. This is my favorite.

After some time, Daddy pulled up. I looked around and I saw many trees and grasses around. Oh! Is this a park? I want to be in a park! I want to run around while Daddy chases me and I laugh loud. Daddy likes it when I laugh loud. He said that it makes him happy.

I noticed that daddy was staring outside the car window as if he was thinking hard. I wondered what's happening inside my daddy's head. Is he nervous? Why would he feel like that? I don't know why but it seems like he is really in a deep thought. Finally he gave out a sigh and look over his shoulder to stare at me.

I tried to show him my ball it is my favorite boy and it makes me happy every time I play with it. Maybe daddy is just feeling sad because he doesn't have his favorite toy with him. He finally got out of the car and carried me on his shoulders.

The place is beautiful I could see so many greens and blues. I can hear birds singing. This is indeed a park. I was smiling wide. Nandito ba ang Mommy ko? Will we play today? I am so excited to meet her. But to my curiosity, Daddy and I stood in front of a box – like, small yellow stone with ABCDs on it. I tilted my head because I do not understand what is happening. I looked around, trying to see if Mommy will show up so we can play together.

"Mommy?" I looked at Daddy. He kissed the side of my head.

"Yes, Ami. This is Mommy." He pointed at the small box like yellow stone in front of us. This is where my Mommy is? Do I have to knock for her to show up?

"Mommy?"

"Mommy can't be with us anymore, my love, but no matter what happens, know that Mommy will always love you, alright?"

"Where?"

"Mommy is in heaven now." Daddy whispered. I still cannot understand what is happening now. I have a mommy but she's not with me. We don't play, we don't talk and she doesn't cook for me like the other Mommies on the story book Daddy always read to me.

I can still remember some of Mommy. I remember other pair of arms that used to hug me. A sweet voice that used to sing songs for me, but other than that, I don't remember my Mommy. All I know is that she isn't with me.

It wasn't until I was ten years old when I finally understood the concept of death because I lost my favorite stray cat. I have a cat in out backyard. She is not my pet but I always play with her. Pinakakain ko rin siya. Ayaw ni Daddy sa pusa but because I told him that I like the cat, he let me pet it. I've been looking after the cat for a long time that one day, when she didn't come home to eat, I felt restless.