une fois sur trois, pour toi

Once upon a time

Automn..
After all..i think its because of automn
It's been what? Close to two years ago?

Love. Hate. Remorse.

Now..i don't think i'm abble to find any excuses.
I've been searching for a while..
To find an excuse to the pain.

I think that today i lose the exit door...

I remember before, when i was feeling this empty, a friend was comming with his phone saing « Look how bad she was treating you!! You didn't remember?? » And then i grabbed the phone and read two or three lines of your old text and i was feeling ok.

But today..the only memories i remember is the greatest.

Automn...
You know...
I hope with all my heart that you smile and drink Tim Hortons automn spices lattes
I hope that you do longboard
That you do car ride
And it doesn't hurt anymore...

If you knew how much i was blaming you...

I hate myself that much..
You will never really know how much...
I was so scared of you, I'm so scared of you.
Today, i want you to know that i live and i will live with the pain and the remorses of what i did to you forever

I have this weight deep in my ribs and it's all my fault
I never got the chance to apologize and express to you how much I resented myself

And now after all this time
I see the monster that i was to you and i..
I'm so sorry...
For all thoses tears I make you did, and all the pain i see you fight for without doing something
I was suppose to be the person who make you feel safe, the person that can be alway hear for taking care of you and i become a fk monster...

I was submitting physical and mental abuse by somebody else at this time of my life and i used this as an excuse
I never had the strenght to take it on and talk about it at the time i was knowing you.
I was thinking that it was better to destroy everything safe and good for me then destroy the problem
I wasn't able to take care of your mental health because i wasn't able to deal with mine and i was just to stupid for taking it.

If you knew how much I wish I never crossed your path in this cegep..
Because today I have to restrain myself from
asking you how are you doin...
How Lucie is doin..
Even after almost two years...
I sincerely hope that you are well
That you succeed in your life
That you have found your place
That you smile
That you smile...
That you study in what you really want!
I will never be brave enough to ask you...

I hurt you so much...
So I hope that today you know that I live with this constant pain and this anxiety, these nightmares, these sleepless nights and these tears.

I have no more pride or character to choose to show you for trying to protect me.
I'm hear, and i suffer of automn.
I really wish it was as easy as it was for you...
~~~~~

I'm really scared but still...
I want to tell you that somwhere, despite the fear, I hope one day to see you again or just hear from you in a neutral way.

I believe that after this time...
The two of us have changed in the good or the bad. I think we have become strangers in a certain way.
I don't want to go back to the past
But it would make me happy to see what you've become.

Hope you will have a great day..✨🎩